The Birth of a Short Lived Poem

I lost a thought.

It happens. I was walking back from a test, it had gone better than I thought (which isn't saying much since I expected to fail completely) and most of all, no more tests for weeks and weeks and no studying to do for a whole weekend. It had been cold, but just as I stepped outside the door the sun went up, the whole glistening snow and imaginary birds singing, you know the story. Life was good to me for half an hour. So I had a thought.

I get thoughts when I do nothing, and am alone. Mostly it manifests when I walk, since walking is painfully boring, and I prefer to walk alone so I can keep my own pace and pretend I'm somewhere else so I won't notice how boring walking is, and also when I know exactly where I'm walking so I don't have to pay attention. Also when I'm walking in remote places where there aren't much people who can see me, because I need to "talk" to myself, move my lips at least to focus my thoughts into words.

Thus I walked home this shiny morning and I had a thought. A long, intricate thought, focused through a beautifully crafted rhyming poem. A thought that connected me to the rest of the world, to the sky, the snow and the reflecting surfaces of polished cars, to the morning light and the smoke and fumes. It was a simple poem, but a thought spun of the finest of threads in the hands of the most skilled goddess of fate.

I've lost the thought. It happens. It doesn't matter. A week, a month, a year from now I'll be walking alone down a road in the morning light, and I'll have another thought. Maybe the same thought. And while I wait for that, I guess I'll just keep myself busy.

Life through the Lens of a Sofa

I just went from having no sofa to having seven to choose from, all with their pros and cons, not two of them looking the slightest alike -_- Picking furniture for a new apartment is hard in itself, but doing it without having seen the apartment and together with a person who simultaneously has to separete her stuff from her ex's stuff is exhausting. Who knew the science of a comfortable, functionable and preferably not horribly ugly and clashing sofa was so complicated? This one has a nice color, the other has space for two people to sleep in, another is fashionable and a real bargain, and that one fits a lot of people into little space. Insert person with severe problems with decision making (= me) and voilá, you have... I don't know, it's so pathetic it's hardly amusing either.

It's kind of funny how I spend as much energy angsting over which sofa to pick, when I don't have to pay for it myself and probably won't keep it more than a couple of years, as I do on making life-altering decisions like, hey, let's move to Uppsala and study this on random. More, even.

I also have no time whatsoever to study for my test, since I'm busy angsting over sofa, among other things. Also because I have a decent internet and computer for the first time in a month. Rather distracting. Maybe I have an hour or so right now, which is why I'm blogging >_< Okay, off I go.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Without further ado I must admit this day won't turn out as I thought, since all couples in my vicnity turned out a bit more boring than I expected, for various reasons. Anyway, I feel like celebrating this day anyway by ordering in food or something.

For some reason I turn much more friendly towards relationship-related holidays when I'm not in a relationship, possibly because of the reduced pressure. Imagine all couples out there now with expectations for today, and angst because of either not wanting or really wanting to please their partner in whatever area they have chosen. It's not really that thought that calms me, I'm not that sadistic, it's mostly the thought that there are happy couples out there and they seem to do fine that keep me happy. They deserve to be celebrated for managing what seems to be so difficult these days - keeping it together. I by no means think being single is inferior, I somewhat plan to stay that way the rest of my life. I only mean that managing a relationship is an accomplishment and should be recongized.

This weekend I'm going to look at the apartment I'll have from the 1st of Mars. I'll share it with two really cute black-and-white cats. Oh, and also a woman. She seems nice too.

In other news: I found one actor each for my two favorite tv-shows in the movie Serenity; one from Bones and one from Numb3rs. Funnily, both died. Err... don't want to ruin the movie for you, but they did.

Valentine's

Saturday is Valentine's Day.

Means everyone else will be busy.

Means I might get the apartment ALL TO MYSELF ALL DAY!

Valentine should have a candy cane for coming up with this great day.

Darling

I wonder
what is it like to be you?
To see the world from your eyes
To breathe the air through your lungs
To smile at me with your lips

To see the wretched thoughts of your minds?

I wonder
why is it that I love you?
When your eyes twist my form
When your lungs steal my air
When I cannot tell if you grin behind your smiles

When I hate you until I suffocate

I wonder
humanity
Do you know what I am
Do you see what I see
Do you know what I see at all

Do you hate me too?

Humanity, darling
it would never have worked between us
so please don't love me
it just complicates things.

What I've Done

I wrote some shit last night. Might put it up later once I've eyed through it for spelling and stuff. I'm just telling you this because a) I've felt so goddamned uninspired the last week (although I have written some more on Kirya, it just hasn't felt very exciting) and b) I have a lot of things I want to write on this blog and most of all drawings I have in my head that I want to do and put up, but since my computer is faaaar away back home and I'm stuck with crappy touch-pads (sorry, friends' computers, but you suck) I'm here rambling about nothing again.

Through some roleplaying my thoughts were led onto the subject of beauty again. That's what I've written about, basically. And although what I wrote should scare me, and should say to me I need to change my attitude to stay a human being, it doesn't. Some things in life are worth dying for, just like some are worth killing for. Not many would agree with that beauty is one of those things, at least not at first thought. But it would be kind of boring if everyone in the world were the same, no? I'm just adding variety to life :) and maybe to death.

Cheers.