Thursday, August 30, 2007


I get too little sleep again. Have to pull myself together before I end up screwing this up too. I kind of like this school, and I have enough free time to justify working now and then. I don't want to ruin it.

Social stuff is still a nightmare at times. I'm such a jealous bitch, though just like my judgmental intellectual I hide her well. My worst enemy is myself, because if I didn't care so damned much about being liked, I wouldn't worry about making friends, and I'd make them with less effort and angst. I think. Right now there are three people I trust around here, like trust more than just random people. Then I guess there are some that still levitates above the general crowd, but with so little that I can't be sure yet. Really, three, after two weeks, I should be more than happy with that. To that, everyone that I set my sights on meeting and talking to, I have managed to meet and talk to. Might not have made a grand impression, but I did. I should give myself more credit.

Noodles is my drug. Any depression can be cured with a bowl of freshly boiled noodles.

Borrowed Shadow Hearts: Covenant too. Have to play in the common room for now, until I can hook my PS2 to my computer screen, and I keep feeling nerdy for playstationing for 3 hours straight while the others socialize, play pool, clean and do homework. But Yuri is so damned hot, I can live with it. At least for a few days longer.

Mom's birthday the 1st. I have no gift. Maybe I could draw something. I don't think she expected one, but I still feel like crap about it.

Mad and Kuffu was down to visit today. We spent the day being bored, but it was nice seeing them.

Sometimes, when I get panicked about feeling like an alien among a sea of ponytails and mascara, I wish I had someone to call. Or someone who could come over.

Girl, someone strong like you,
the boys want to make you weak,
want to break you, so to speak,
want to be the one
that you make unique.

Sleeeeeep... zzzzZZZZ

Monday, August 27, 2007

Friendly thoughts

Market at home this weekend, I walked a lot, got warm, my feet hurt, and I bought too much candy. Still have some left. Sat with a friend at the carneval area and waited for another friend for a good while. Lots of couples going for carousel rides and boys winning stuffed animals for their girlfriends. Even if I keep telling myself it wouldn't have worked with K even if he'd stayed, it hurt. It really almost made me sick. But I endured, and I pretended the sun was shining. That's how I handle things, and I think that's why we wouldn't have worked. A friend said so today, made it clearer; we're both the passive part in a relationship, we would both need someone more active. But he also said that we were good together, and I think we were. In the right circumstances and all... but no point in dreaming.

He also asked, were we a couple before K left? I don't know, I said, but we're not now anyway. I have no idea of what he thought when he left, how he thought if would be, what he wanted or didn't want. I never asked either. Maybe because I'm passive, but also because it felt like nothing needed to be said. I know, for myself, that I considered myself his girlfriend before he left, and that I could never imagine wanting to have that kind of longdistance relationship; I know what it would do to me.

I've realized how important it is to see people. I just can't connect to people unless I can see them, in action, live or on film, but in person is best. It's like some scanner in my brain needs to read them in physically.

I started playing Dawn of War just because he talked about it all the time. It's good, actually, I like it.

Today I've been very unsocial, mostly spending at my computer. I played "pingis" (what the hell is that in english?) for like an hour, hilarious and good, starting out serious and ending up far less serious. It's like a good place to meet people, everyone I've played with have been soo nice. Yeah. Good people play pingis. ^^

I guess I write all this thinking maybe someday he'll read it. Okay. That's it. I'll stop writing about him, here, everywhere. Done. The only place he belongs is in my head.

Gonna return to MSN and Dawn of War now, to help ignore that growling in my stomach. I'll never lose those two kilos I added last month if I keep eating noodles at the drop of a hat.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

New Start

Started school this monday, today's thursday, I get my computer down here on sunday. So now I'm using a crappy old school computer that I just don't want to be seen with. Writing here on english might be a good idea, because from now on it'll be a lot more swedish than I'm used to, and I can already feel it kill my english vocabulary.

Watched a theatre called En herrgårdssägen by Selma Lagerlöf today, just got back actually, and it was pretty good. We had to read the book first, which I think was kind of a waste. It had been better to read it afterwards, because the theatre really said everything that was needed, so it got a bit long to watch when you already knew everything that was going to happen, and every line of dialogue they used. But the stage and the equipment was really top-of-the-art stuff, pretty good experience alltogether.

This thing about starting a new school, it's always a pain. Making new friends may be fun something, but face it, it's a lot better with people you already know. Unfortunately I'm still too young to be satisfied with the friends I already have. I long until I'm forty and feel like I don't need more friends. Then I can just settle back and be social when I want to, and not just when I need to.

I've made friends, sure. But I'm never sure of where I'm standing, and it's not like I'm anybody's best friend. I'm glad I have the folks from IB and everywhere, because this would be a lot harder on me if I couldn't call them to blow off some social pressure steam sometimes.

Speaking of, go to for an update on the lives of our friendly neighborhood spiderlings, spreading their nets all over the world.

Otherwise the school has really welcomed me well. I mean, most places I could have gone I would not have made friends this fast anyway, and it's mostly my own fault that I'm feeling uncomfortable. Damn I want to be a little less fragile, thank you.

Our bus passed the road to K's place on the way to the theatre in Sunne. I didn't think it would matter, I mean he left a while ago and I've had plenty of time before and after to get used to the idea, and the mere thought of me getting upset because we passed a damn piece of asphalt is just ridiculous. But I am the way I am, sadly, and when I'm forty I'll probably have accepted that too. It got me thinking about him, and I miss him. Weirdly. I'm a strong independant woman. Or I will be, at least.

Well, I'm gonna go get busy on the phone for the next five hours or so so that I get distracted from everything else today. See ya.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

The beginng of the end...

... must be when I'm starting a blog. We'll see if this survives or not. No one'll read it, but one day, when I'm a famous author, I won't have to be embarrassed about creating a new blog, because I'll have this, and it'll have hundreds of viewers a day.

As if I was already famous (which I hope I'll be under the name Iceye since I'm a whore for attention as long as I'm not in the receiving end, if that made sense to anyone) I'll be posting some random stuff here so that I can at least say that I'm not hiding my incredible talent for the rest of the world when people nag me about publishing something.

On to the real business:
I let some friends read something I wrote called Tales of Ruins a while back. Now I'm writing the continuation of that, and two of my friends went "yaaaay", which might have boosted my confidence more than they imagined. I could be proud and politically correct and say that I write for myself and if someone likes that that's good, but it would be a lie the size of ronald macdonald's ego. I want feedback. I want people to say I'm good at what I'm doing. Doesn't everyone want to be appreciated for that special thing they try to do the best? Mine is writing. People can think I'm stupid, ugly, weak, cowardly, lazy, fat, unsocial and whatever else, but if they like my writing, I don't mind. Of course I'm nothing like any of those foreign words I wrote up there, they were just examples. I'm pretty. Right?

The one who initiated this circle of doom was, btw, my friend Olle whose blog you find linked here. No, I'm not talking about my issues, I'm talking about this blog, stupid. My previous classmates who graduated this spring from the IB have an own blog where they write, together, whatever happens to them after IB. I guess people will drop off one after another as time goes by, but for now when everyone's trying their wings I think it's a good idea. I dropped out of IB years ago, but I was invited anyway. I think I'll parttake of this wonder. But I also thought, a blog could be the right place to get my writings to the people who want them. I can put stuff up here, because since people are being spread worldwide it's hard to get my stories to them any other way. That's the real reason. But I'll probably be blogging normally too.

As för the real world, I just celebrated my grandmother's birthday. It rained. My cousing is coming around to be a nice person, I mean, not just nice but someone I can talk to for a while without feeling like an idiot nerd who need to be whipped around a sports field and force fed books on cooking and babies. Yesterday I spent with Justin Timberlake (he has like 5 songs that are really good, and no, he's not *that* handsome), Lara Croft (her breasts have no game mechanics in this game either, they look exactly alike whether she's running, hanging upside down or being smashed by a bear. With all the attention they get, they should at least try to make them realistic) and eventually dissing the world's sexiest women (according to with my friend at two o'clock in the morning. Couldn't find the world's sexiest men. But it's more fun finding out what kind of girls my gridlfriends think look good, than what kind of boys. I mean, the boys will be their business directly, I don't really care. But because I'm nosy as hell and a beauty-perfectionist, knowing what they think is beautiful is really interesting. And while looking for a list of boys, I stumbled over Jared Leto, who has this Colin Farrell thing going, kind of nice. Did I spell his name right? Oh, whatever.

Right. I always end up writing a whole novel when I'm just gonna say a short thing or two. Be glad I didn't start on the whole story of my life. I'll just stop now and come back later when I have something to post... maybe I should tease my friends with the first few pages of my new story? That'd set them off... and probably boot my ego a little bit more. I think I deserve it. School starts tomorrow.

K, bb, cya.