Saturday, April 26, 2008

MRI, Bus, Rik's, Creativity, Kristin and Uppsala.

I went to K-stad this Thursday. (More MRI, I love them. I mean, radioactive stuff in my bloodstream, being basically cargo-lifted into an enormous machine with one tiny entry and lie there in that tight white tunnel with one blue line to stare at and absolutely forbidden to make the smallest move, barely allowed to breathe for half an hour, while the monstermachine thunders and clonks like a spaceship repair around you. No, really. You think I'm sarcastic, but I'm not.) I sat on the bus and a hundred thoughts passed through my head at amazing speed. Buses are the most perfect place to think, thoughts just fly away like the passing forest, nothing else to distract but enough stimuli to make your head start off.

I thought a lot about the wonderful and rewarding conversations I, or we rather, had while at Rik's. I make myself wonder why I ever thought the world would be a better place without people. The correct solution is: the world would be a much better place with the right people. I know I can't express myself very well in speech, and maybe not well enough for some of you in written word either, but talking like we did is really giving me so much. Which is why, I guess, I always walk around on clouds for a day or so and then crash with all the right gravitational values doing a fair d20+10 bashing and have to crawl up from my body-shaped pit with claws and teeth. Why does the word "leave" have to exist? I think I'm going to start seeing it as "breaks" instead, between visiting.

Anyway, I'm out of the pit now, and today for the first time in months I really feel like writing. We'll see if anything actually comes out of it, but either way, it's a big confidence boost that I even had the urge. Lately creativity has been limited to school and SketchChallenge. So sad. Okay, I wrote all this in one streak as it came to mind, so let me go back and divide it into paragraphs so it's actually readable =P

There. ^^ Oh, and we got some extra time (I got, not you Phaze) for the Antologi. So if you haven't already, do like Kristin and put down a vote on the previous post for which poems you think should make it. I still have the final word, and once there I'll probably choose completely different than what you ask, but I still want to know. (I'm actually not really sure whether I'm joking, lying or being serious right now.)

Oh, btw, I'm going to Uppsala from the 5th to maybe 7th or 8th to the great big nice friendly not at all striking hospital. Probably. Unless they really are striking a strike. Mom will be with me and I dunno how it's gonna be and afterwards I'll be exhausted, so even if I should, I probably won't have the energy to visit you guys, unless they won't have anything for me to do any of the afternoons, because then I might be able to dump mom and pop by to show off my awesome and cool hospital identification bracelet. Anyway, we can probably talk about this is you guys have time and feel like it. Hey, you might even be able to pop by the hospital and see the nice and surprisingly white room! =P Yeah...

Allrighty-o. C'ya.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Help wanted!

Okej, skrivprojekten var uppvärmning. Nu ska Antologin sammanställas och jag ska välja ut texter för den, och det är liksom den som kommer "publiceras" eller iaf få en större läsarkrets än min lilla mängd nära och kära. Vilket betyder; beslutsångest! Jag har bestämt att ha med Mellanstadietexten från skrivprojekt 2, fast den är überpersonlig, eller kanske just därför. Men utöver det tänkte jag ha två el fler dikter från skrivprojekt 1 och det är där det skär sig. Vilka? Jag slits mellan kvalité och känsla!

So... help? Suggestions? Quick!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

In the Head of Iceye 01

On selves...
Is the only solution to not being depressed to think shiny bright thoughts? Is the only escape from turning into Eyore to transform yourself into the princess in Enchanted? To erase a part of yourself to be able to survive? We do that. Some guy cut off his own arm with an swiss army knife to survive. Just the same, we can cut off parts of our mental selves. But just as every last cell within me screams of raging protests if I hold a blade close to my skin, regardless if it's sharpened, the mere thought of cutting off a part of myself... Is this bravery or folly?

On memories...
I just watched an episode of House where a man thought the woman he was in love with was engaged to his brother and the emotions were so strong he had heartattacks whenever she came near. He decided to let the doctors remove his memories - everything from birth to present - to get rid of the memory of her, and he refused to tell her the truth. It's tv, I know. Still. How? If there is a soul my soul would still be me if my memories were gone. If behavior is programmed in the DNA, I would still be me if my memories were gone. I believe in both these. And sometimes I think I should forget some things and get on with my life. But to forget, to lose control, to let go, is the most frightening thing I can think of.

On love...
Is love the feeling of being able to give your life for someone? Then I've been in love. Is love the feeling of being prepared to share the rest of your life with someone? Then I've been in love. I've been in love if love is to want to kill, maim and destroy whoever hurts the person. If love is to be jealous of all attention given to someone else. If love is to stop and be amazed at how beautiful someone is even though you've seen him/her a hundred times before. If love is to have pain shoot through your body at the thought of losing this person to anyone or anything. If love is selfless, comfortable, protective, possessive, admiring and painful - if love is the ability to project, deflect, deny and doubt - then I have been in love. I am in love. Am I not?
Love is not beginning, nor end. It is a part of the cycle like everything else. What matters most to me? What are my true intentions?

Sunday, April 13, 2008


Atkins - it works. But take it easy. It's for losing weight, not for living on forever.
And non-Atkins-dieting people, don't eat too much of their tasty fat food. You'll get stomach ache.

Read between the lines of a cereal box: the best way to get away from anxiety for bikini season is not to get comfortable with your body but to eat our cereal and get skinny.
(Note the bikini season. Not swimsuit, not bathing-trunks, but bikini.)

Existentialism - the reason people think it's depressing is because it's realistic.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

I'm a mess-y miss-y

Hi. As another pointless, interesting post, and as a continuation on the subject of hairy men, I will mention the conflict between ideals and selves.

We all have some sort of ideal in our heads, right? This is how I'd want to be-ideals. Or this is perfect-ideals. We're quite aware of which parts are possible to achieve and which are not and to which lenghts we're ready to go to get it (like, would you do plastic surgery or agree to be brainwashed?) and those are personal too. I'm thinking something along the lines of: you can think a piece of clothing looks really good and is really beautiful but you'd never wear it yourself. (I'm writing "you" when in fact I mean "I" but you know that already.) You can admire a trait in someone else but not want it for yourself. I'm talking a lot about appearance here but that's because that's how this came to mind for me.

So it's about striking a balance, isn't it? I want to say the only thing that matters is what you think of yourself but I'd be lying. You also have to like the person other people see when they look at you because that is also you. Identity isn't just yours, it belongs to everyone. So.

As for me, I'm often surprised at how well people can understand me, sometimes, because most of the time it feels like I'm running around doing random stuff, wearing random stuff, thinking it's smart because it shows people who I am but I fail. I guess that means I don't fail. But then I'm pissed because I'm so predictable.
It's a mess, isn't it. ^^

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Wasting time 101: Tip 44 - pricehunt

I'm supposed to be working.
But I calculated prices on burnable DVDs from Clas Ohlson instead.

You can get them a lot cheaper elsewhere. Like, from 0,4 kr/GB (but then it's only 8x speed). And that wasn't the point. ^^

Yesterday was my brithday (sounds like a poem title)

Hi! Yesterday was my birthday. I got seven glass plates for my seven glass cups and a glass bowl. I also got my ring (in a way). I left my medicine at school so I'm looking forward to heavy headache tonight. My cat refuses to sleep in my lap. I've had half an egg, two shrimps and an inch of a Mars-bar for breakfast. I have to choose between finishing my school project on time or visit my very, very, very ill grandmother. I'm actually starting to think my little brother is a decent person. I also have promised to help him study for his test in physics. My father + Atkins' diet = less weight, more obsession, no improvement of mood. The weather sucks over here.

With the sheer amount of posts I produce, you didn't really think every one was going to be intelligent, did you?

Friday, April 4, 2008


Our teacher in religion, who also is a priest and with a doctorate in teology, said we should see it if we wanted and then we could talk about it in class. We haven't had class yet, so I might bring this up again later, but I wanted to talk about it now anyway. Firstly, something within me didn't like this movie. It wasn't the violence, the religiousness, the Mel Gibson, I can't put my finger on what. But aside from this instinctive reaction, there was a lot to like and hate.

As a means for learning, it's bliming. The character of Satan (played by a woman for all intents and purposes) wanders around in the different scenes, seen by no one but Jesus, eternally present. The part of Christianity that Gibson belongs to believes that, simply put, Jesus was the bait with which Satan was defeated. Satan thought that he was winning, driving people to kill the son of God, but when Jesus was dead Satan realized he had lost, that because Jesus died for the sins of mankind he would never have much power over them again. This is illustrated beautifully in the movie. There is also the theory of the angry god, the god that must take all his rage out on his son to be able to forgive mankind, thus Jesus inhuman suffering. I would assume Gibson believes this also, otherwise how would he justify the sheer amount of violence. Then there is the belief in the strong connection between Jesus and Maria, that the holy mother would have shared some supernatural bond with him, a belief especially nurtured in the Catholic church. The portrayal of Judas is also interesting, with his regret and eventual madness, as opposed to the other theory of Jesus having his betray him to bring about the passion and his release from his human body.

Artistically, it's rather well thought out. The set is beautiful, costumes feel natural. Some things feel exaggerated, such as weather effects and a lot of slow-motion shots. And for some reason I'm bothered by the fact that Jesus is so handsome. It makes me think of animal rights and the fact that some people only think we should save the cute animals and forget the rest. Anyway. The movie begins in the garden where Jesus is betrayed by Judas, where we also see Satan for the first time, and "necessary information" is then given as flashbacks along the way. There is a specifially fantastic sequence when Jesus is standing on the hill where they will nail him to the cross. The screen cuts to when Jesus was having dinner with his apprentices, where a small package is carried to the table, and the cloth wrapping thrown aside to reveal the bread. In the next moment you see the soldiers tear the clothes off Jesus' body.

Some have complained about the fact that they speak Arameic, the language that Jesus was supposed to have spoken. I thought it was a detail that greatly added to the realism, which is needed, since the reasonable part of my mind whines about some things that feel wrong, such as how could Jesus possible carry the damned cross when the other guy who comes in, who hasn't had the skin whipped from his body, can hardly walk with it. Then there is clear antisemitism here and there. Rivalery between Christianity and Judism may be unavoidable, but if Gibson want people to take him seriously, he may need to take them seriously. I doubt Jesus said anything about jews being bad.

As for the violence, I can't help but wonder how possible it is, how much a real human being could take. And also whether it is a part of the legend that Jesus could take much more than anyone else. Wasn't he supposed to be human also? The only part I couldn't bear to watch was when they actually nailed him to the cross. More the sound than the imagery, I imagine.

All in all, worth watching if you're interested in the religious aspects, and I believe more to be seen as symbolic than litteral, even if Gibson probably wouldn't agree.

Thursday, April 3, 2008


I've heard a lot about guys and hairy legs lately. It appears this may be used to prove that men are as oppressed by gender stereotypes as women: those I've spoken to here are torn between hairy legs being a) less attractive, yet b) more manly. To the extent of some guy shaving his legs and being called gay by random people out on town. I thought being manly was about being attractive, but then again, the image of Canadian lumberjacks appear in my mind to remind me that is not so. I seem to remember having friends from all three categories; shaving, not shaving, and having nervous breakdown over wheather to shave. I guess that goes for both genders too. And then comes the complicated question; if you do shave, where do you stop? Can you shave legs but not arms? Back of the hand? Neck? Torso? Does the tiny innocent strands below your bellybutton prove an offence to humankind? Oh the problems the modern day human faces!

Wednesday, April 2, 2008


I love poking around with names. Names I choose in my stories are always chosen for a reason; either that the sound of it fits the character, or the meaning, or both. I don't really like parents naming their children and not knowing or caring what it means; there is power in names, at least my inner witch tells me so.

Here're some names I found that I'd scribbled here and there, for many different reasons:

Winona - Eldest daughter
Sahar - Moon
Samson - Sun
Aleda - Small and winged
Kanja - Waterborn
Logan - Little hollow
Aya - Morning light
Joash - Fire of god
Aurora - Dawn
Kevin - Handsome
Cassius - Empty
Jace - Beautiful
Rufus - Red hair
Ariel - Lion of God
Amaranth - Immortal

And, irresistably, the names of friends. Tell me if I forgot someone! Alphabetically:

Anna - Grace; Favor
Alexander - Defender of men (I'll assume that is "men" as in "humans")
Anton - Worthy of praise (though reliable sources claim the meaning of the name is unknown)
Björn - (for non-Swedish speaking or complete idiots:) Bear
Danica - Morning star
Daniel - God is my judge
David - Beloved
Eva - To breathe/To live
Gisela - Hostage, pledge (why would anyone name their daughter "hostage"?)
Isabelle - My god is an oath (???)
Joakim - Established by god
Joel - Yahweh is god (which pretty much means "god is god"... yeah... o_O)
Kennet - Born of fire
Kristin - Follower of Christ/Christbearer
Linda - (unsure, varies from Beautiful to Dragon... -_-')
Love (form of Ludwig) - Famous warrior
Madelen - From Magdala (Magdala being a city, its name meaning "Tower")
Rikard - Power(ful)
Sara - Lady/Princess
Sofia - Wisdom
Therese - Harvest(er)
Viktor - (wanna guess, anyone? ^_-)

For those who have read "About Love", let me illustrate why I chose the names:

Asha - Hope (in Indian. In japanese, it means Born in the Morning)
Adrian - Dark, Rich
Stephanos - Crown
Tempest - Stormy
Terrance - because the meaning is unknown
Lancelot - Servant
Daniel - God is my judge (as mentioned above)
Neander - New man

Funny fact: In old Korean costums it says you should name your child something ugly, like "little pig", so that the demons won't get jealous and hurt her/him. This has no relation to my own name, I assure you, since my parents were reasonably modern.

To divert you from this, let me tell those who don't know that my screenname, Iceye, is the clever combination of "ice" and "eye" and thus you may sense the meaning, as well as the correct pronounciation. In game, though, I tend to go under Breakable, or LucidFortes. The latter of which is an anagram, indeed, of our lately much too little mentioned handsome blonde.