Friday, January 30, 2009

A few cats and a dog

I did one of those career tests again. It told me I should be a forensic scientist; a live CSI member. That would be awesome, I did consider it long ago, but it takes a lifetime to get there, and I'm not really that patient.

Looking at it, there's a whole load of things I do the same thing with. I would love to be a forensic scientist but i would hate the road to getting there. I would love to be a dancer, or a machine technician, or a psychiatrist, and a lot of other things. I really believe I would like it. But the roads there are so intimidating. Most of all, the whole "protocol" about it bothers me. How I have to study one exact thing in exactly the way everyone says and write essays containing exactly what other people think they should and stuff like that. It bothers me so much, that most things I never get started on, and those I do get started on I fail because I can't focus. Being a writer is easy, in that sense. You do what you do and see if it works. With other things I have to do it the way others say I should. Some protocol is necessary, of course. But it's not the protocol of the subject but rather that of the studies that hinders me.

I dream sometimes of becoming one of those hermits living in the forest, surviving on what they can make themselves. Absolutely free and separated from the claims and rules of society. Alone to make their own mistakes. Responsible for their own life only. I'd have a few cats and maybe a dog, and it wouldn't matter if it was sunday or monday because vegetables grow on both days and the deers don't care. Is it possible? Would I be happy? I think, and this scares me, yes. I would. But something, most likely my own cowardice, keeps me from trying. Or is it the spirit of the pack that whispers in my ears and warns me from the path of no return? To turn your back on society is the crime society cannot bear, is that not so?

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Nature vs Nurture

Woke up in a horrible mood today. Wonder how those things work, those days that you've somehow decided for one emotion from waking up to going to bed, for no apparant reason. It's like laughing to make yourself happy or acting scared to become scared.

There's a manga/anime called Death Note. Awesome. Anyway, in part of it the main character makes sure he loses memory of everything he's done that far in the story, so that he can lie believably and not get caught. But the point of his plan is that he will regain his memory later on. He doesn't know that will happen. He doesn't even know if he'll still want the same things. But he has such faith in himself, he goes through with it.

These two things connect as follows: if you can manipulate so well your own emotions, and yourself, if it is so easy to change yourself, how easy wouldn't it be for others to change you? I wonder all this often, yet at the same time I have the feeling of that it's not true; that you, that I, would still remain no matter what. I believe in DNA, not environment. I believe in self, regardless of circumstances. "I" am as much a fluid concept as it is absolutely set in stone. The world exists to me only because I believe in it. And you can take the world from me, but I will still remain.

My virtue will be Faith.

Monday, January 19, 2009

The universe and me

The universe have spoken.
Faith is my answer.
No thing is weaker than a heart never broken,
but no thing is stronger than belief never tested.
And when all else have proven me wrong
I will still believe
Not that I can do everything
Not that I can do anything
but that I will remain
And that that is enough.
I am the single item
the single person
the one true entity and belief.
I am my own god, for
Without me
there would be no I
And I will remain.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Floating thoughts of a counsciousless mind

Last post from home. Tomorrow is Uppsala, and fear and angst and death. And also possibly my wonderful new future. I am dead tired. I hope I didn't do a "person without any sense of social sense" and didn't let people know I'm coming to Uppsala... when I think about it, which I haven't until now, I'm suddenly not sure. My head's been full of said fear and angst and death lately. Sincere apologies. And also math tests. I did it this morning, had to get up half past six, which is why... y'know. Rest of the day was spent packing, and pondering how I'm going to learn to do eye make-up that doesn't look like crap. And also realizing because I wore a hat right after showering that my hair had decided to look exactly like the hair of one of those Korean boyband singers I've been pestering people about, during one of his less hot hair periods, so I spent an hour dressing up in my most boyish clothes and dancing to his songs. Haha. If I had gotten proper sleep I would never have told you this. I wonder if I can make my hair do that again? Probably not. Then I angsted some more over why my suitcase won't hold more clothes. And other things. But I have made a pretty necklace now. It also looks exactly like one said boyband singer wears at one time, but that one was actually more accidental and less freaky fan stalker. Sorry. Ranting. Sleep now.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Le Gasp

Okay, so I wrote a long segment about how silly I am to care about this, but really, what I want to say is:

That guy Tobias from Swedish Let's Dance, I rambled about him long ago, and how handsome and awesome he is and all that, well this year he's dancing with the blonde bitch from the Idol jury. Does anyone understand what I'm saying here? Gah!

Ah. Felt good to vent that with you guys. Gah! There, done.

Beauty is really the thing that can wipe away all those ideas about being calm, cool and sensible that I otherwise harbor.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Don Don Don

Does anyone else have trouble with paying with Visa cards online? Cuz these last days it hasn't worked anywhere for me. And for some reason I can't understand I won't get the money back for the monitor I tried to buy that was sold out until february... which means I'm suddenly and inexplicably broke!?! This sucks.

<--- (new Kirya chapter)

Sunday, January 4, 2009

The Writing of a Poem

I close my eyes
I cleanse my mind
I turn inside
and I listen.
I feel it now
the voice inside
speaks not in words
but in essence.
And I write -

A Devil's Breath
above my skin
Yet opening
Lifting me
To see
center around


Question: Better with or without the "intro"?