Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Drowning on dry land

Going outside is such a challenge. It means putting on clothes that actually match and aren't just picked up from the floor. It means putting on shoes, which is a bother because since I can't lift my toe it keeps getting stuck, and if I'm going to wear any other shoes than the usual ones I have to move the thingy. It usually means being restricted with time, both with actually going and with sleeping and eating and all other necessary things. It means being responsible and reliable and to keep up the social agreements of the world. One of those being, all business is conducted at daytime. And daytime is worse.

Going outside means walking. Disregard the pain, the discomfort, the appearance. It makes me feel like half a human. Then going outside usually means bike. Disregard that I have to step sideways to get next to it among the other bikes and swing my leg over it, both of which require ridiculous effort. I hate it because it means having to lift my foot onto the pedal with my hands because my leg isn't strong enough, and if I didn't feel like half a human before, that definitively does it.

And it means that when all of those things are done, there waits another hundred times more. Places, people, things. What to buy, where to find it, what to do, who to meet. What to say, how to say it. A million tiny details that every human lives with, so why does it sometimes feel like I'm drowning in the details... in life. Whenever I need to go anywhere, my heart cries; "why do I have to move?". It's like this giant momentum thing. Here at home everything is where it's supposed to be, which is exactly where I left it. I don't have to think because I already know, and I don't have to move far, and most importantly, I could crawl around if I felt like it and perhaps my roomie would be perplexed but it would feel okay.

Going outside makes me feel something isn't right with me, and consequently, that something is wrong with the world. It's not just about the leg. It's all of it. When I'm out, half of the time I'm working hard to distract myself from wanting to go home, and the other half I wish everyone else could go home so I could be alone where I am. So yeah. I have a problem. Sucks.

I wonder if you guys know that stuff like in that previous post is sort of like the other side of this. This is me whining - that is me appreciating life. I should write a mirror post to this one. Sort of like "Going outside means smelling the fresh air and seeing the endless sky", except you can do both through a window... maybe "Going outside means getting a new view of things, experiencing new things and meeting new people." That works. Not today though. Today I just wish I could make it not become tomorrow, when I have to go out to go to school.


Sara said...

I know the feeling. Well not with the foot obviously, but the not-wanting-to-go-out-part. People are so weird and they seem to function so differently from me. Then it's better to stay home and not have to deal with them sometimes.

Riklurt said...

Haven is the best Merit.