Well, it's clearly not getting up in the morning that's the problem. I already knew that but decided to conduct a study to make sure. So for the past week I've been getting up at the same time every morning, and done my morning routine that I do before school, regardless if I'm supposed to be in school or not. It has not been a problem, neither has going to bed in time, and although I haven't slept very well I've functioned normally. I have also, without fail, not gone to school a single day. Getting up is fine. Showering, eating. Then the thoughts come a-crawling, specifically that feeling of wanting to run in so many directions at once that I freeze in place. I can fix my hair and dress, but usually the game is already lost at this point, and if it isn't, when the clock ticks over to the exact minute where I have to leave or get late, then I bail out. And I sit down somewhere, I watch the clock tick over another few minutes, and I don't go. Why?
I have a feeling that if I knew the answer to that, I'd be first executive in a small IT business by now, or an acclaimed author, or a fabulously popular girl. Maybe it's that thought, lurking at the back of my head, saying "why would you want to be any of that?". No one ever taught me how to deal with lurking thoughts. Actually, I think listening to every single thought I have is what has made me the writer that I am. So what? The only way to being who I am is to destroy myself? Fascinating, but very impractical.
Someday I'll be looking for a job, and someone will read this blog and go "hey, you're mentally unstable, sorry but we won't hire you". Well, fuck you.
1 month ago