Today, or rather, between yesterday and today since Korea's half a world away, Jaejoong had his birthday. I feel really happy because A) I remembered it and B) I celebrated it all on my own incentive and in a good and balanced way. That is, I fancied up a little and bought sushi and chilled. Outsiders might not be able to spot the difference between me celebrating and me not doing it, but I feel the difference quite noticeably. I didn't listen to his music to no end, I didn't watch sixteen episodes of the drama - I celebrated his birthday in the only way that truly counts; in my heart.
All of it made me think about mold and cornflakes, about the patterns in the universe and in our back yards, about the way cities grow and the way we breed animals; about how everything is one single beautiful whole, and in all that, Jaejoong is the one single thing that when I think about him I don't think about everything else. I don't think "but there is a statistical possibility that piracy actually severely damages culture in aspects that I might be ignoring because supporting free information furthers my own short-term agendas". I don't think "this book is such crap compared to what I know I'm capable of; if I'd just had the resolve I might have published my first book already, but even so, I know what I write will never be best-selling because considering mass psychology I write things too different from the general fare". I don't think, "which part of a person is DNA and which is not, and if all are, then why do parts of me contradict and what do people actually want?", I don't even think "all of this is hyped up fangirl mass-hysteria typical of my gender that enforces all kinds of woman-degrading ideas that circulate, and I am playing into the expert hands of marketing professionals that have molded some kind of public persona over whoever he is beneath".
There is always a "but", a "maybe", another view to consider, another detail to examine. Every time I look at a thread a spider web explodes in my head.
But not with him. I don't think. Every single thing - every single thing - I have found out about him, and seen of him, and heard of him, since the day I first saw his picture, has been perfect. No compromises, no thoughts, no justifications. No shrugs of "I guess I can live with that". I don't care if I never find out about the parts that some people seem to think "matters", or if I never exchange a single word with anyone in his general direction. It makes no difference who he is or how I discovered him or what he does for a living, all that matter is that the spider web goes silent. I look at him, and all I see is him. And until that stops being, god forbid that it does, I have one way to keep myself from going insane.
I am so happy you were born, Jaejoong, and I wish you everything in the world. For once, for one person, I can truly and with no hesitation say that. And I wish words could express how much I mean it.
2008 till 2018
2 months ago