Saturday, October 1, 2011


I will most likely not live as long as any of you, given the state of my body and my lifestyle. (Although I hope the nornir will cut me some slack for not smoking.) I'm telling you because should something ever happen, I want you to know that I don't think I'm missing out on sixty years of health and happiness. That is unlikely.

I'm telling you because a couple of days ago I got a life scare, like accidentally walking into the road in front of a car kind of scare but not exactly that. I asked myself, if I am actually going to die very soon, like a moment or a month from now, can we handle that information? Amazingly my mind answered; "Yes, that is okay. We have written down that story we wanted to write, even if it's not quite polished yet it's out there. So if we must go, we go in peace." (Although to be completely honest, it also said "it would be nice if we got to meet Jaejoong first and tell him eye to eye that he's awesome, maybe he would agree to it if we were dying?) Anyway, I don't mean I think I'm done, like one single story is all I ever wanted, but across these last couple of years I've actually been afraid of dying, only because what if I died before that story I was working on was done? Actually all the way to, what if I get a meteor in my head before I finish the next chapter? Now it's done, so it's fine. It's fine until I get started on another one that I feel as strongly about.

So, universe and everything. If I must go, please pick a time in between stories. And if you're feeling generous, relatively painless would also be nice, and preferably before every muscle in my body breaks from the strain of compensating for my leg being a bitch. I think that's all.

(I realize it makes me sound crazy to refer to us as we when I talk to myself, but look, I (that's one), and myself (that's two), and one plus one makes two. Two is a we. We are not crazy.)


Riklurt said...

I have expected for a very long time that I will die before I turn 28. I do not know why. I just do. I'm not sure why my mind went for 28, either, but for whatever reason, it did.

So, I recognize this feeling. I know how it feels.

Yeonni said...

28 is an even shorter time. I'm expecting something like 40. 28 sort of requires an accident or something... which is a bit more unnerving, imo.

ShadoWolf said...

Strange. I have the same feeling. I'll be glad to reach 30, and if I dare think maybe 35 everything in my being says I'm pushing my luck. So I don't. But I'm okey with it bacause a couple of years ago or so I knew that I'd never see 25 if I didn't do something about my body. I'm gonna make sure that the years I've bought will be well spent.

Sara said...

I also always thought that I would die before 30. But then I got together with Rik and now I just assume that he will die before 30 instead. Because that would be so much worse. And I don't deserve to keep him longer than that anyway.

ShadoWolf said...

That's tough. To know, or think you do, when someone you love will die, I mean. It's memento mori at its worst. Knowing that time is limited. But on the other hand, it shouldn't change anything because as mortals we should assume that death waits just around the corner, or rather, it's already holding our hands just waiting for us to slip. What I wonder is; should I let this feeling rule the choices of my life or live as if I was wrong? I don't belive I can know for sure that I'll die that early (I refuse to think of myself as some kind of true prophet) so should I deny myself joys such as, say, having a child? Just in case I'll die when it's still not much more than a babe?

Yeonni said...

I don't really think my life expectancy makes that much of a difference in my life decisions, that seems like a dangerous road to go down. Like Shadow said, it's assuming you're some true prophet that know everything better than the world itself knows.

Now, we're both single as far as I know, so I dunno what would happen if we got partners, but I find it hard to believe I'd think my partner would die rather than myself.

It's interesting that we're all thinking we won't live very long. Usually people say young people think they're immortal. Strange.

ShadoWolf said...

Yes, that is very strange, or at least unusual. But I suppose it comes with a certain state of mind; realists (perhaps with a slight tendency towards pessimism) might be more aware of their own mortality. And that of others, of course.

I don't know if I'd be able to feel someone elses approaching death...would be very scary so I hope not. But I know that I'd never tell about my own "predictions" to someone that mightn't be able to handle it very well, say a partner or my own mother for instance. Someone that might change their ways just because they think time is short and there's so much we got to do, or say or whatever. But most would probably just shrug it away as some kind of emo supersticions. But, to me, it wouldn't make any difference if I knew for sure, if I, or a partner, was diagnosed with some terminal decease. Probably. Of course I say that now but I can't know for sure what I would or wouldn't do. But still, if it was me that was "doomed" I probably wouldn't tell anyone.

Alex said...

Live each week like it's shark week!

(that goes for all of ya)

Yeonni said...

I think if I was diagnosed with some terminal disease so that the official version was "you will die in x months/years" I would actually do something. There's obviously still a percentage chance, though small, that I'd survive it, but it would be a lot more definitive, and most importantly it would give me an outwards excuse. Because what I would do is take all my money and do some shit that I wanted to do, just the random stuff I come up with, no matter what it cost or the effects on people. Also there's some arrangements to be made. Like, who takes care of Loki.

People say "live ever day like it's your last" or some other crap like that. Well, that's a kinda strange thing to say. I'm not sure what happens exactly when someone who has a huge debt dies, but if I and no one else knew I'd die tomorrow, f.ex. I could take a huge loan today and give the money to friends and family... could it be taken away then? Or I'd spend all my money on something silly, although there's not many things worth it that can be arranged in just one day.

ShadoWolf said...

Oh, I've never thought about taking a loan...interesting, but I think that the relatives has to pay back at least some of the money. My grandmother died with depts and as far as I recall not all of it was written off.

I don't have anything extra that I want to do before I die. I'm already highly aware that I can die in a carcrash today or to morrow just as well as of old age, or some diseas in my thirties. So I try to content with nice waether and just enjoying the simple things in life, you know, like a good movie or whatever. I suppose I'm lucky not to have any real ambitions or wants ;)

Yeonni said...

I want silly dreamy things, most of them so aggressively unrealistic that it's pretty much the same as not wanting them :P but if I had nothing to lose, I'd take my chances and try for the ones least unrealistic anyway, just for giggles.

Sucks about the loan, but I guess a person or two who were actually dying might have come up with the same idea.