I will most likely not live as long as any of you, given the state of my body and my lifestyle. (Although I hope the nornir will cut me some slack for not smoking.) I'm telling you because should something ever happen, I want you to know that I don't think I'm missing out on sixty years of health and happiness. That is unlikely.
I'm telling you because a couple of days ago I got a life scare, like accidentally walking into the road in front of a car kind of scare but not exactly that. I asked myself, if I am actually going to die very soon, like a moment or a month from now, can we handle that information? Amazingly my mind answered; "Yes, that is okay. We have written down that story we wanted to write, even if it's not quite polished yet it's out there. So if we must go, we go in peace." (Although to be completely honest, it also said "it would be nice if we got to meet Jaejoong first and tell him eye to eye that he's awesome, maybe he would agree to it if we were dying?) Anyway, I don't mean I think I'm done, like one single story is all I ever wanted, but across these last couple of years I've actually been afraid of dying, only because what if I died before that story I was working on was done? Actually all the way to, what if I get a meteor in my head before I finish the next chapter? Now it's done, so it's fine. It's fine until I get started on another one that I feel as strongly about.
So, universe and everything. If I must go, please pick a time in between stories. And if you're feeling generous, relatively painless would also be nice, and preferably before every muscle in my body breaks from the strain of compensating for my leg being a bitch. I think that's all.
(I realize it makes me sound crazy to refer to us as we when I talk to myself, but look, I (that's one), and myself (that's two), and one plus one makes two. Two is a we. We are not crazy.)
1 month ago