I've been sitting here writing for like 40 min. I write something, and then censor it, and write something else, and censor it. It's a bunch of whining, really. Maybe it's just therapeutic to write it down. It's funny how little of what I think that I actually tell people. I mean, it's probably the same for everyone. I guess. How would I know? :p Maybe I should say, it's lucky how little of what I think that I actually tell people.
I censor everything that comes out. Everything, to varying degrees but still. I figure that also is the same for everyone, but I don't know that either. Some people really seem to say what they think, but I guess if you think fairly ok things then that's ok. Huh. That right there is another of my quirks. When I say things about people I envy or admire (it's the same thing though right?) it always comes out sounding like an insult, so I usually censor that. It's not an insult. Let me try again. If you think good things, then it's ok. Nuh, still kinda sounds like an insult. Like a pat on the head :<
The essence of my whiny mood lies in a few things: being stuck here with my family for too long (I need my independence dammit!), not having my computer (this made me realize how dependent I've gotten on it for social stuff), and my leg and back being crappily crappy and it bringing around some realizations. Like that if I have kids, I won't be able to run around and play with them, or catch them if they wander into the middle of the road. But I think what really brought this bout of depression down was that some people went to an amusement park, and I thought, well crap I would have wanted to come, and that funny guy Voice of Reason said, "No, you don't, because you can't walk for shit and after an hour you'd be sitting on a park bench with a hurting back and hurting ankle and a fake smile as they walked away from you to do something fun, or much worse were stuck sitting there with you". And then it turned into a merry little garden party when old buddy Who Do You Think You Are popped out to cheer me up saying, "Oh what, are you crying now? Don't be such a wimp, there's so many people so much worse off than you."
Oh good. This time I could write it with a bit of humor instead of deep black emo-ness. Therapy session over.
3 weeks ago