Market at home this weekend, I walked a lot, got warm, my feet hurt, and I bought too much candy. Still have some left. Sat with a friend at the carneval area and waited for another friend for a good while. Lots of couples going for carousel rides and boys winning stuffed animals for their girlfriends. Even if I keep telling myself it wouldn't have worked with K even if he'd stayed, it hurt. It really almost made me sick. But I endured, and I pretended the sun was shining. That's how I handle things, and I think that's why we wouldn't have worked. A friend said so today, made it clearer; we're both the passive part in a relationship, we would both need someone more active. But he also said that we were good together, and I think we were. In the right circumstances and all... but no point in dreaming.
He also asked, were we a couple before K left? I don't know, I said, but we're not now anyway. I have no idea of what he thought when he left, how he thought if would be, what he wanted or didn't want. I never asked either. Maybe because I'm passive, but also because it felt like nothing needed to be said. I know, for myself, that I considered myself his girlfriend before he left, and that I could never imagine wanting to have that kind of longdistance relationship; I know what it would do to me.
I've realized how important it is to see people. I just can't connect to people unless I can see them, in action, live or on film, but in person is best. It's like some scanner in my brain needs to read them in physically.
I started playing Dawn of War just because he talked about it all the time. It's good, actually, I like it.
Today I've been very unsocial, mostly spending at my computer. I played "pingis" (what the hell is that in english?) for like an hour, hilarious and good, starting out serious and ending up far less serious. It's like a good place to meet people, everyone I've played with have been soo nice. Yeah. Good people play pingis. ^^
I guess I write all this thinking maybe someday he'll read it. Okay. That's it. I'll stop writing about him, here, everywhere. Done. The only place he belongs is in my head.
Gonna return to MSN and Dawn of War now, to help ignore that growling in my stomach. I'll never lose those two kilos I added last month if I keep eating noodles at the drop of a hat.
1 month ago