AHA!

I made a text document that included:

things I need to do (right now)
things I need to do (for school)
things I need to do (at some point)
things I want to do (right now)
things I want to do (at some point)
things I want to do (but never will)

It quickly got unmanageable and also a bit embarrassing. Aside from that, separating "things I want to do at some point" from "things I want to do but never will" is a painfully surgical task, and even if I can tell that something goes on the latter list the want doesn't go away one bit. In fact, if I look at my life, it's the "things I need to do at some point" that never gets done, and I drag myself screaming and flailing to do the "things I need to do right now", while I slowly and with great care crawl ever closer to the "things I want to do but never will", sort of stubbornly refusing to give up hope. Chasing the unattainable is ever so much more alluring than achieving the attainable, although I'd never admit that I'm chasing anything if you'd ask me face to face. As long as it's on my "things I want to do but never will"-list, and I slowly, awkwardly creep up on it, it can never turn around and yell "AHA!", because then I can just as quickly, like a cat, sit down and study the ground and say "I wasn't really going for it, I was just casually walking about and happened upon its general direction".

Happening upon things' general directions is probably how most things in my life happen. And also how I want it to be, strange as it may seem. I want to ride the waves of life, not steer the boat. Unfortunately I'm also a little afraid of water. And a bit nervy about my ability to float.