Carnege

Forgot to tell about the Tattoo Expo (but Nightflyer filled you in a little, I guess?). Fun. So many ideas, so little time. And so little space! I don't want to cover my entire body in tattoos. =P But I came to think of that if could be a good way to hide my skin-thing. I could totally imagine tattooing the entire left arm, shoulder to wrist, which would cover it up. I thought about piercing my ear, finally (two holes in the right ear, don't want in both) but didn't feel like it right then. I will definitively get a tattoo eventually, but I'll need to pile up some gold first; my treasury is in a sad state.

The evening ended with Iron Man, a most superb movie, though his lovidoviness with Pepper irritated me. Can Hollywood produce one single movie without having to add love to the story? The old "the hero gets the girl", and the old "hero saves girl" really pulled a lot from my final opinion of it.

The Expo all in all resulted in two things: web addresses and phonenumbers to very good artists in case I, in the future, would have the cash to go get a tattoo by a real skilled artist. And this:


This is Carnege. He's a psychopathic alien-infested bad guy in Spider-Man. (Everybody say: "Hello Carnege!")

I saw a photo of him being tattooed to some guy's arm (this exact picture) and I thought... he could make a real good tattoo. I love tattoos that look as if the image is a part of the body, either a pattern following natural lines or something crawling out from underneath the skin. Carnege's loopy symbiot would be perfect for it, while maintaining my nerd-factor. I think it could get really good. ^^ Only problem is to get someone to sketch the final image out; I can't really do this symbiot-thing very well.

I have candy, chips, and a new game. Cheerios!

Existential Writier's Blabberings

Recording of day-to-day mood antics: Kirya sucks. I need to read it through. I need to change loads, I know that before even having read it through. There are loads of stuff that doesn't work. It doesn't say what I want it to say. My characters have no personality. I ruined Obon. What the hell is this latest chapter, what the hell am I trying to do with Shemhazai... why do I always twist and turn the reality in the same damned shape? Why do I make angels the bad guys? That doesn't surve the purpose. Bad writing. And what am I trying to do with Crow anyway? I just changed his personality from the other writing at will. Bad writing.

My other me thinks this is bullshit, but she's a little tired today. I thought it would be interesting simply for my own sake to write this pointless existential blabbering down just to show myself how ridiculus it is. Blogs aren't exactly diaries but... good for me, in a way, to make it "public". Makes it harder to ignore.

Anyways, this was selfish, thanks for listening. ^^

By writing these lines

By writing these lines
do I separate myself from you?
By old clichés of feelings
and old expressions about darkness
have I shown myself any different
from any of you?
If we all share darkness
If we all whisper instead of speak
If we all are the same
why would I do this?

One artist in every village
One joker in every castle
One plagued teenager in every home
Two would destroy them
Nonetheless
Their loneliness was never chosen

Only by seeing the bigger picture
can you see that what is good
is less than what is bad
Only by doing this
can you change it
But seeing it
changes you

When we see beyond
we scorn those who have not yet seen
but did we understand those who scorned us
before we saw?

The blind cannot understand sight
The deaf cannot comprehend sound
Thus you
cannot see or hear me
until your mind has grown eyes and ears
No blame on you
All blame on you
And no one I can shout at

Anger
Rage
Like a silent
Beat
In my chest
Like a shadow of a sixth sense
Once known, now forgotten
Ghost pain from a stolen limb

Fists
Teeth
And only my
Eyes
Can still howl
Like the beast starved to silence in its cage
Once howled in the night
Blood dripping from satisfied jaws

Its fangs
Like razor sharp snowflakes
A handful sprinkled in the wind
It has starved
for many nights now

Knowledge 2

More things I'd like to do, in the name of subjective knowledge:

* Smash a window (or any glass) with the little hammers designated that purpose found in busses.
* Meet my grandparents back in the time before they were grandparents.
* Learn a part in a real play (or part thereof) written by someone else and in a serious manner, but not necessarily for performing in public.
* Learn to ride a horse.
* Work real charity shit, like in Africa or something.

In other news: back from Uppsala. Sorry you guys I didn't get a chance to talk to you more seriously, which I would have wanted, things went kind of fast and I was really tired. Hospitals tend to drain energy as if I was a zombie with a barrage of regen cast onto me - and they stacked.

All the Wiser

Hockeywise: Damn. But it was Canada. What else was there to believe.

Partywise: Ball at school yesterday. Had whiskey for the first time. (Equally disgusting as all other alcohol. Kinda' hard to motivate myself to drink when it tastes like date expired cold medicin.)

Otherwise: I'm reading the first issues of X-Men. Laughing at the cheesyness. Smiling at the cuteness. Being amused by the obvious connections to the politics at the time.

Personalitywise: I did make some interesting realizations from talking too much after the ball. For one that it's people's concern that make me hide in a corner when I'm all down for the count. If I could just be ignored, invisible, I mean completely gone and unnoticed, then I think it wouldn't be a problem. I get this voice inside whining about "what do people think about you when you do this", knowing how much people misunderstand me, and everyone. So if I knew no one thought anything about me, then I'd be fine.
Look at the world's most reknown dramas. They all build on misunderstandings and slight mistakes. Remembering this, I think you can understand why I'd rather hide in a corner. The small things just overwhelm me by numbers. On a regular day I manage to ignore this. On a bad day, not so well.

Suggestion for the Book Circle ^^

I have too many thoughts in my head right now.

I finished "Flyga Drake" today by Khaled Hosseini (I don't know what it's called in English). Horrible book to read, I was on the verge of crying 75% of the time and two times I seriously considered putting it down and never picking it up again because it hurt too much. But it opened my eyes a lot to the complexity of the conflict in Afghanistan and to my own prejudices, besides being a great book about being a human, about loving, losing and letting down. (It's also made into a movie now, but I seriously doubt it could carry through into a movie very well. People say it's good but very, very different from the book.) It's not political, which I appreciate. Only human, and very emotional. I got a headache every time I read in it. But it was probably worth it, though the end wasn't as well written as the beginning and mid-section.

I have also been to a small introduction to the education I'm applying for this fall. It really sounds like the perfect "me". They said I needed: math (check), english (check), computer familiarity (check), 3D thinking (check), creativity (check), and interest in technology and machinery (check, though no schooling). I'll be alternatively sitting and standing, very good for my leg. I'll learn business planning and presentations, sorely needed. Teaching takes place about three days a week in a classroom and the rest homework or over the internet. Male-dominated workplace. The teacher we met seemed like the perfect kind of man; confident, straight-forward, kind.
It's too good. I'm scared out of my freaking mind. Especially of getting my hopes up. Maybe also of settling in too well here. Do I want to live the rest of my life around here? I used to not understand people who would. But I'm growing into it. This is my home. No matter what I think of it, it's difficult for me to leave it.

Yeah. Too many thoughts. Reading the book made all these old thoughts wake up. I used to want to become a psychiatrist. Don't think I could manage it, neither the long time of school or the mental pressure. But that has always been the thing closest to my mind in the subject of "making the world a better place". Taking care of orphans or abused homeless animals.

I didn't want to have children because I was afraid I wouldn't like the kid. But maybe that's part of it. How could I ever know whether I would like him/her or whether I would make a good parent? How does anyone know? Maybe I want a child after all. In any case, passing on my genes might make the world a slightly better place. Yes, I am that full of myself.

Russia - Sweden 3-2

Five *fucking* seconds. Five! We dominated the damned game. Sad, pissed, stupid Ovechkin = happy Swedes. It was a physical game, we played with four backs, forwards having to come down playing defense, but did the best game so far. Had a few fights (I keep squealing at them to stop but in the end some fighting belongs to hockey. Even I have to admit that. That is, in part, what makes it superior to, for example, silly football.) and did a few goals. And did I say I hate Ovechkin? This was totally unfair. Being interested in sports, any sport, is like falling in love. If you don't get invested, you don't get hurt. But not being invested is boring. Alright, next game I'll excuse anyone for not watching. It's at 02:00 in the morning. Bleagh.

I really miss skating. I don't know why I don't skate more often. It's the closest one can come to flying. To slide across the ice, feel the speed, the force, the momentum, the friction. Actually it's as if my body enjoys the sheer physics of it, the balance, everything. I can think of few physical activites that beats it. If any.

Denmark-Sweden 1-8

Hi. I will assume you are all watching the Hockey World Championship, and cheering for our boys. The only excuses for not watching it I will accept are:

You have IB exams.
Finding a TV would be accompanied by mortal danger.
You are blind. (But then you should at least keep track of the results on radio.)
You are not Swedish. (In which case you, obviously, cheer for another team.)

If you're not interested in the sport itself, why not come over and watch me yell at the tv?

Mr. Cat

Made some half-assed attempt at new coloring which proved too time-consuming to actually be worth it. This didn't get at all like I imagined. In another world where I wasn't lazy as hell, I'd learn how to make it look like his knives were glowing. =P But I think it tured out better than the pencil original, which is cool. Coloring realistic skin and eyes are hard! So screw that, I'll stick to the more cartoonish style from now on.

And dudes, what happened to "yes, ms, of course we'll vote on your poems, we just forgot, let me tell my girlfriend and we'll get right on it"? Huh?

"Only Spartan women can give birth to real men!"

My view of honor has been seriously fucked up by all comics and books I've read throughout my childhood, so I must say that watching 300 was an enormous experience. I wish I'd had the sense to watch it on cinema, but I had been gruesomely misinformed that it was just a long splasher movie of too much blood, like a prolonged version of the mad crusade-slaughter in Kingdom of Heaven. That is, I believe, the part I like the least in KoH, so I avoided 300 and was idiotic enough to ignore the fact that several of my best liked friends and webcomics continuously kept yelling "This Is Sparta!" at all odd times.

I now stand corrected. I watched it approximately five minutes ago, and my fingers are itching to press the play button again. Just to illustrate how good I thought it was, I can honestly say that I was not once distracted by the disturbingly many (300, I believe^^) half naked and very muscular men in cool looking mantles and helmets soaked in sweat and blood standing around with flexing muscles being zoomed in on every other second. Now that I think of it, I do believe I should press the play button again and pay a little more attention to that fact. Excuse me for a few hours or so.

Oh, and I also watched Stardust. It's like a fairytale (for some reason I'd gotten it into my head that it was Science Fiction, so boy was I in for a surprise). Very cute. Right. Bye.

Waaah, I just noticed, it says 21 downloads of About Love on my hosting page. 21? Scary! My inner paranoid Modesty Blaise requires me to have everyone observe my Copyright claims! Hahahahaha.... yeah.

Knowledge

I was going to wait you guys out until you voted on poems, but my patience isn't as great as some people think. ^^ So here's another contribution to the wide world of random information.

Things I'd want to test myself with but don't think I can/want/will arrange:

* Kill, skin, slaughter and cook my own food. A cow maybe. Or a rabbit. Fish don't count.
* Have to deal with a seriously mentally ill person.
* Tame a wild animal.
* Walk along the river here from home to K-stad. Preferably without telling anyone, before or after.
* Be in a real fight. Yes, I know I can't fight, that's not a factor.
* Be really drunk. No, I haven't been, I'm cheap and afraid of the maybes.
* Watch a human die.

There are probably more, can't think of any right now. Since most of my readers are the people they are, I think you'll understand what I mean with this. Experience. True knowledge.

But a few of these I really hope I will arrange in my lifetime.