To die a lizard and wake up a dinosaur

One evening long long long ago, a giant lizard died. One day not so long ago, its bones were dug up and suddenly it was a dinosaur. One day at some point in time, a wolf gave birth to the first dog. Every night people go to bed a man, a mother, a wife, a husband, an immigrant or a worker and wake up a father, a grandmother, a widow, an ex-husband, a citizen or an unemployed.

People who don't like themselves feel trapped in who they are. I feel paralyzed in fear of changing. And, true to form, I feel trapped in feeling afraid of the change. I've accepted and to some extend embraced the fact that things and people around me change. But I am Me. I am God. What if I change, and then wake up one morning realizing I've become Not-Me - and by extension Not-God? What if I try to change and realize that I've lost the ability to? Or, horror of horrors, what if I become Not-God, and don't notice because I no longer can? I've seen the incredible powers human minds possess to shape themselves for whatever purpose; the power of manipulation, suggestion, hope, belief. It's like trying to trust every ant in an anthill.

All the little pieces that make up a "me", they're all necessary, right? Like the single stone that tips the scales, one piece might be all you need to remove to make the scales go the other way and suddenly I'm someone else. So what if I let my cramping fingers rest and go along some more with change, and then break one of those essential pieces? I wish I knew which pieces were required. Of all the things I love, if I lost them I would miss them but if I lost me I might not love them anymore, and for some reason that's so much worse. But things that stagnate rot and die. Lizards are alive and well, dinosaurs are dead.

If you were stranded on a deserted island, what single part of yourself would you bring with you?

Amnesia

It's been around for a while, but I haven't talked about it so I will now. I'm gonna recommend Amnesia: The Dark Descent. And if you're not going to play it, or am too much of a wuss like me to play it, I'm going to recommend watching Day9 play it. It's not only very amusing, it's like a crash course in fantastic game design, and fear.

I found it very interesting, on top of getting to "play the game" through him, to see my own reactions together with his and see where they overlapped and stuff. It's obviously very different playing the game and watching someone else do it, but watching it is as much as my nerves can take (I am a huge scardycat in games) and I knew from the earlier games from the company that they are absolutely awesome at what they do - which is to slowly, gently, carefully wrap you in dread and leave you standing in front of a door going "no, fuck this, no, no no I'm not gonna open it, no".

It also struck me that you have to accept the conditions of fear to actually feel fear. It becomes very obvious in a game or movie, because you can go "this is just a game, those are just pixels, I'm not going to care" and kill the whole game, pretty much. It's harder in a game because you're going through the motions, which fools your brain into thinking that it's actually happening more than just watching a movie. And it can still freak you out once or twice, but only because nobody's completely immune to surprise. However, most of the game builds of dread, and dread only works if you play along with the conditions. I am scared as fuck in games because I can be scared as fuck in games, it's okay. In real life a little fear is a good way to protect yourself, but being scared out of your mind is mostly detrimental to the effort, so I try to cast off the conditions as best I can. Neither of those two are chosen; it's just how my brain has decided it should be, so I can't play scary games and I dismiss most real life fear within seconds - the more abstract the harder to dismiss. I'm trying to figure out exactly what the conditions are; it's clearly something about wanting a certain outcome, like survival, and being only partially or only under the illusion of control of the situation, yet not leaving it completely to chance, and that there must be a chance of success however small.

Anyway enough rambling. If you're going to ignore both recommendations, go look up a "best moments of day9 playing Amnesia" on youtube or something because it's really too good to miss.

Run!

I've been hiding. I haven't read any blogs, including my own, since the last post. Was it not for that I can't bring myself to ignore my cell-phone I wouldn't have talked to anyone either. I haven't been on facebook, and I haven't answered any mails, and yes. I've been running away and hiding.

All the running ended in playing with fire and getting burned when it came to the people physically in my presence. And what have I learned from that? Don't ask questions you don't want answers to. Don't play with fire when you can't handle the pain. The sad thing is I thought I could handle the pain, and I will have to learn the hard way now, but what I really really learned is this:

That I am nothing more than the usual human tropes; The Girl With A Father Complex. The Firstborn Son.

And that never, ever must I let myself get angry. Never ever let yourself go. Or I'd be asking questions I don't want answers to, or play with fire I cannot handle. I have always believed in honesty first and I still do, but I guess I learned fear. Which I suppose can be a good thing.

I am weak, is what I learned. I'm thinking, from that base I must grow stronger. Nobody told me how, however. But the lesson I was meant to learn, I suspect, ironically, was this: That I am fine with being exactly what I am.