Connections and Copyrighted body parts

I have had trouble sleeping lately, and I've had to come up with things that fill the time and silence that aren't too demanding. The answer has in many cases been doodling, simplistic flash games, and lots and lots of youtube.

What this means is that in a somewhat emotionally unstable state, I have listened to hours and hours of a YouTube caster called Cry (username ChaoticMonki in case you want to check it out) playing games and reading ghosts stories and other shit. He's got a good voice and is good-natured and relatively calm for a youtuber, and listenting to someone reading is nice in this state of mind. And unavoidably that means I've built some kind of relationship to a person I've never seen, and who doesn't have the slightest idea that I exist. You might think "how is this different from being someone's fan" or something. Well, it feels different. I haven't figured out why yet, but it does.

I would be sad if he stopped posting things, like losing contact with a friend. Human relationships are funny that way. I almost like humans best this way. Listening to their voices without them necessarily knowing or caring that I'm listening at all. Just getting comfort from the noise and bustle of the life that surrounds me. I wonder if it's the same way the other way around. That I'm most comfortable speaking to an audience I don't know and don't know if it even exists, like in this blog. Maybe I should start youtube casting. Maybe someday Cry would catch a little clip I made for lols and it would cheer him up on a bad day, and the circle would be complete, without either of us ever knowing anything about it. It would be beautiful.

What do we have friends for, but to ease our pain, share our happiness, and fill the frightening expanse of time stretching before us, second for second, hour for hour. We don't need to know how they look, or what they do when they're not with us, or why they take the time to be nice to us. We pick the parts we like about a person and let that define who they are to us, instead of investigating every corner. We pick together the things we want to complement ourselves, instead of finding it all in one person (which is impossible imo).

In other words, we are all Japanese mechas, and we're building our bodies from the bodies of others. I'm nicking Cry's voice for my in-suit Jarvis, then. You can have mine if you like, it would be an honor to give it, or a finger or an eye. Gives a whole new meaning to free distribution. We are all stitched-together ghouls and we are all beautiful. Maybe you want that image for a background on your holo-screen? It's certainly not copyrighted.

The Single Mind

Late night, friends just left after a friend-intense day. Been feeling tired and uninspired and uninspiring this week. It's been the kind of week when one goes around with the intense feeling of that something should somehow be different, and a vague idea of that that something is oneself. Maybe it's chemical imbalance, hormones, weather, maybe my star is in perfect alignment with the moon or my totem animal has had an accident in bed.

Yet I don't want to sleep. Bad times like these I'm always most reluctant to go to bed, and I don't sleep as well when I do. Maybe, like a parent having lost his child in the forest, I cannot go to rest before I find that something that is missing. I wonder if not getting immersed in something, forgetting everything and being able to stop staying on my toes, might give me back the strenght I need to search properly. But that gets harder with every year, month and day I gain. Like a clock ticking down towards a time when there will be no sleep. Or maybe eternal sleep.

I hear soft music coming from somewhere far away, and my first thought is that it's the chanting of an Imam.

Floating thoughts of a counsciousless mind

Last post from home. Tomorrow is Uppsala, and fear and angst and death. And also possibly my wonderful new future. I am dead tired. I hope I didn't do a "person without any sense of social sense" and didn't let people know I'm coming to Uppsala... when I think about it, which I haven't until now, I'm suddenly not sure. My head's been full of said fear and angst and death lately. Sincere apologies. And also math tests. I did it this morning, had to get up half past six, which is why... y'know. Rest of the day was spent packing, and pondering how I'm going to learn to do eye make-up that doesn't look like crap. And also realizing because I wore a hat right after showering that my hair had decided to look exactly like the hair of one of those Korean boyband singers I've been pestering people about, during one of his less hot hair periods, so I spent an hour dressing up in my most boyish clothes and dancing to his songs. Haha. If I had gotten proper sleep I would never have told you this. I wonder if I can make my hair do that again? Probably not. Then I angsted some more over why my suitcase won't hold more clothes. And other things. But I have made a pretty necklace now. It also looks exactly like one said boyband singer wears at one time, but that one was actually more accidental and less freaky fan stalker. Sorry. Ranting. Sleep now.