Dissidia - First Impression

Well, this was a promised post, so here it is. I've played Dissidia for approximately 3-4 hours in one sitting (exactly as long as my psp battery lasts me :P) and I have to say I'm impressed. It's not just a fighting game, it has a load of smaller features, and it seems well worth playing again and again.

To begin with: Chaos vs Cosmos, a concept as old as storytelling is probably. Both sides gathered some warriors and the balance was... well, balanced. Then the chaos side did something odd and things went out of shape, and well, I dunno if I'll get a better explanation down the road but Cosmos went poof and now the ten heroes have to save the day. The story is kind of vague, but I realized it could really be seen as if all the final fantasy games were their own world's version of Chaos vs Cosmos and that they all ended exactly simultaneously at the point where Dissidia begins, in a sort of dimension-spanning timeline. Deep shit.

Centerpiece: This is a fanservice game, there is absolutely zero doubt about that. There's dozens and dozens of references to different ff games and characters and items and summons and... yada yada yada. The more ff games you've played, the more you'll like Dissidia, but that's not to say that someone not interested in ff would get nothing from it.

On to the fleshy part: The gameplay is actually very good. There's tons of equipment and bonuses and shit all around, but when it comes down to one-on-one on the battlefield it really feels as if it's you, the player, that makes the biggest differece; your skills and how well you know to use all that crap you've gathered. It also pays a lot to take a step back, think, and be a bit tactical about when to strike, and not just charge straight in. But! and here's the beauty of it, that also varies a bit between characters. Some make better for charging, some should rather stop and think. There is a real difference between how they play. Cloud has some fast, small attacks to keep enemies busy and then a few real close-range nukes to take them down quickly. Cecil is harder to handle and deals less damage but has more ranged attacks and a few tricks up his sleeve. Terra and Ultimecia are spellcasters. There's also several modes and lots of reasons to play stages over again to collect better stuff, but not in the sense of grinding. In story mode the heroes have a story each, and I've played two so far and liked the way they've built individual storylines too.

And of course the most important: Characters. But what do I need to say, it's Square. If it's one thing Square knows how to do, it's to make excellent jrpg characters. They've done an very nice job bringing characters from NES games into modern technology and graphics.

Final points: Music from the ff games, excellent, and the voiceovers are agreeable. Although... Cecil, from ff IV, who I liked in that game, has for some reason earned the voiceactor of ultimate emo that made the emo Prince of Persia... which ruined some. I also discovered that in contrast to the other, older characters (or from older games and more fantasy settings), Cloud's sometimes drawling american accent suddenly seemed very appropriate.

Complaints: mainly towards Cecil so far. Aside from emo-actor no1, there's also the strange fact that because he's an jrpg hero his Dark Knight armor has to be skin-tight and ugly instead of the massive impressice Dark Knight armor his evil brother sports. Strange. Because the hero line-up might have benefited from not being quite that effeminate... especially since they outfitted Bartz like a teenage gay escort. And why the hell did you steal fashion tips from Cloud's Advent Children outfit, Squall? As if broody lonewolf 1 and 2 needed to look like each other too... Anyway, gameplay-wise, not much.

I think that's it...

Yes, and also: I love that chocobo! <3

"Dear Diary"

I should start a diary.

Every entry would begin; "This is what I would tell you today."

I would write it in a way so that I kept the recipient in mind, as if it was a conversation, or a monologue.

And who are "you"? One and many. Known and unknown. Named and unnamed. Flesh and concept. One day I imagine you might become one, and known, and named. But maybe not. For now, you're all these things, and more.

"You" are what makes me not alone.

Thank you.

Names

I love poking around with names. Names I choose in my stories are always chosen for a reason; either that the sound of it fits the character, or the meaning, or both. I don't really like parents naming their children and not knowing or caring what it means; there is power in names, at least my inner witch tells me so.

Here're some names I found that I'd scribbled here and there, for many different reasons:

Winona - Eldest daughter
Sahar - Moon
Samson - Sun
Aleda - Small and winged
Kanja - Waterborn
Logan - Little hollow
Aya - Morning light
Joash - Fire of god
Aurora - Dawn
Kevin - Handsome
Cassius - Empty
Jace - Beautiful
Rufus - Red hair
Ariel - Lion of God
Amaranth - Immortal

And, irresistably, the names of friends. Tell me if I forgot someone! Alphabetically:

Anna - Grace; Favor
Alexander - Defender of men (I'll assume that is "men" as in "humans")
Anton - Worthy of praise (though reliable sources claim the meaning of the name is unknown)
Björn - (for non-Swedish speaking or complete idiots:) Bear
Danica - Morning star
Daniel - God is my judge
David - Beloved
Eva - To breathe/To live
Gisela - Hostage, pledge (why would anyone name their daughter "hostage"?)
Isabelle - My god is an oath (???)
Joakim - Established by god
Joel - Yahweh is god (which pretty much means "god is god"... yeah... o_O)
Kennet - Born of fire
Kristin - Follower of Christ/Christbearer
Linda - (unsure, varies from Beautiful to Dragon... -_-')
Love (form of Ludwig) - Famous warrior
Madelen - From Magdala (Magdala being a city, its name meaning "Tower")
Rikard - Power(ful)
Sara - Lady/Princess
Sofia - Wisdom
Therese - Harvest(er)
Viktor - (wanna guess, anyone? ^_-)

For those who have read "About Love", let me illustrate why I chose the names:

Asha - Hope (in Indian. In japanese, it means Born in the Morning)
Adrian - Dark, Rich
Stephanos - Crown
Tempest - Stormy
Terrance - because the meaning is unknown
Lancelot - Servant
Daniel - God is my judge (as mentioned above)
Neander - New man

Funny fact: In old Korean costums it says you should name your child something ugly, like "little pig", so that the demons won't get jealous and hurt her/him. This has no relation to my own name, I assure you, since my parents were reasonably modern.

To divert you from this, let me tell those who don't know that my screenname, Iceye, is the clever combination of "ice" and "eye" and thus you may sense the meaning, as well as the correct pronounciation. In game, though, I tend to go under Breakable, or LucidFortes. The latter of which is an anagram, indeed, of our lately much too little mentioned handsome blonde.

Secret Conviction

I was going to write about leaving for christmas, but then I had the strongest Déjà Vu and will take that as a hint to not. Instead I will write about things people don't tell just anyone and why that may be important.

As may be seen from this blog, I have always been one to openly discuss anything, embarrassing or not. But since I came to this school, i have begun to wonder wheather that is the right thing. Maybe some things are to be kept, only told to the ones you trust. But this is a double edged sword. As follows:

It seemed Jonas (my teacher) liked my christmas compendium, since I was asked to read aloud from it several pieces. In my greedy, selfish folly, though, I was still disappointed with that no one seemed to pay Trosbekännelsen any attention at all, while at the same time I would not be able to explain it if anyone did.

In a similar fashion I disappointed myself in our religion-class. We were supposed to bring something that symbolized "the religion of ourselves", something that meant much to us and stood for our lives in some way. I thought I'd show them my Iceye-symbol (seen as the signature on my banner). But while listening to the others I realized I was doing crime against my own conviction: the most important symbol of my life would easily be Cloud. More than anything else, to me. But this would be close to inexplicable to anyone else unless I write an essay (as proven here, and that only covered the actual facts, not the spiritual, emotional and psychological stuff and what practice it means in real life). Also, I worried that as people don't understand, they condemn, and the picture of me would change in their heads in a direction that would be directly faulty. Thus I proceeded with my Iceye-symbol, while I felt like , I suppose, a Catholic would feel denying God. I know it's silly, it was such a small thing, and I was talking to people I might never see again after next term, and what would it matter what they think of me or what they know? But some things are that way. So important to yourself that the actual, practical effects are meaningless; it is the principle, the gut feeling.

We have secrets that are kept more for our own sake than the effects on the surroundings, and when we one day tell someone special, the secrets will be the measuring stick after which to judge them: how do they treat our most special things, how do they handle that our biggest secret is small and meaningless, how do they carry the trust we put in them? And that is why I have concluded that some things are to kept secret and private, where I previously thought it was pointless.

K, guys, suit yourselves.

Let's tell the story of the Cloud-thing for those who weren't there for the very beginning. (Wait... who *was* there?) It's a (kinda long) story about a little girl who finally got the one thing she wanted most in the whole world: a Playstation. The problem was that she needed something to play on that Playstation too, and since her parents had done their best to keep her away from dangerous electronic stuff she wasn't all too informed in the subject. What she figured was this: the more discs a game has, the longer time you can play it, right? So she found the game with the most discs at the lowest price, and it just happened to be Final Fantasy 7. Logic *and* destiny, I tell you, can it get better than that?

Now she wasn't all that into boys either. A couple of years later, she could sorta' tell that main character dude was pretty pretty, and to add blonde which was an amazing magical thing at that age (my first crush is still, I insist, the blondest guy I've ever seen, and no it wasn't Cloud) and then, yet another few years later, she knew english well enough to actually take the story of FF7 to heart. It was a revelation in the weight class of realizing Squall actually nods to Rinoa to come over at the ball, and dude, did that rock my world! It was one of the first heavy stories that I got to ponder upon as a young girl, before the boredness of being jaded. Cloud became that cool guy that all other guys (my age) failed to be because they were kids.

Yet another few years later, I knew english even better and paid more attention as I played. I (re)discovered the entire part about Cloud being psychotic and weak, and he went from cool guy to pathetic wuss in the whole span of one or two hours. (Sometimes I think all guys have to make that journey in your head before you can really love them, the trick is how they rise again.) And Cloud did rise again. It sounds silly, but it made me ponder upon another heavy thing; can weakness be forgiven, can people be imperfect? It took more than a year to realize, that yes, they can, and they are. And I forgave him.

Over the following years my love grew slowly, like in a marriage where all secrets have been revealed and love can thrive in that calm, secure way. Then came the movie. Those who knew me at the time know I freaked around about the movie for a good six months, bouncing franticly whenever I talked about it. (Sorry!) I swear, I smiled like a fool every time I thought about it: Cloud is going to be in a movie! Perhaps the single time in my life, I put absolute faith in something. I put absolute, heartbreaking faith in that the movie would be good. I never do that, I always keep a back door, I always say *maybe*, *what if*, cuz you can never be sure, y'know. You can't. And it was good, he was beautiful, and I fell in love again, like after living with a husband ten years you suddenly rediscover him.

The latest battle I've had over him is appearances. I've been mad about blonde guys all my life, but to be honest, the last years it's been fading. For a while some part of me said; if you admit you're not as into blondes anymore, you'll come across as loving Cloud less. Then I had to take a new fight about appearaces, and came to the conclusion that no, wow, I don't love him for his looks, like one would think about a game-character. He's become so much more to me than blonde spikes and skinny strength.

Now one can make a hundred psychological conclusions from this, but I refuse to even debate that.

If I ever fall in love, y'know fall in love-fall in love. Then I imagine it would take a somewhat similar course as this relationship. Let me make a list and illustrate, and I think you'll agree:

1. Fate making your roads cross
2. Wow, that guy looks nice
3. He's perfect
4. Realizing he had bad, frustrating, disappointing sides.
5. Accepting he has bad, frustrating, disappointing sides.
6. Realizing you love him anyway.
7. Establishing your relationship and telling it to the world.
8. Falling in love again with the person you know so well.
9. Coming to peace with that you love the person, not the looks (since people grow old)
10. Live happily ever after.

This became a pretty loooooongcat. But now you're all initiated in the "Iceye and Cloud-cult". And if you actually read all this... you guys are idiots. But so very loveable. XD

Wow... it looks even better like this than the structure I had in my head. Makes so much sense.

I cried, but only a little.

I'm row row rowing my boat gently down the stream of impending depression, like every winter the last four years. This time it's arriving a little later than usual, probably because school is merciful on me, but I can feel its hand hovering in the air as it hesitates before knocking on my counsciousness. I wonder if life will be such a battle for survival every January for the rest of my life?

I always feel like I'm contageous. Like I can show that I'm down, but I have to keep at least a reasonable sanity, because you can't help me, and we all know that, and letting that show with it's full sadness will only make it worse. Compassion and mercy and pity and hugs and smiles and cheerings, it just makes me more and more and more angry until I just want to scream, but I can't: I've forgotten how to do it. So calm, I'm blind to my own ripples on the surface. I can't be angry because I don't know how to anymore. I can't be angry because what if I tear something apart that I can't fix later? I couldn't survive knowing I did that. So I scream inside my head instead, and wish someone could shut me up. Whine whine whine. Whatever I do, it's boring, it's old, words and actions said and done a hundred times that doesn't give me anything and God, can't you give me something new? Something mine?

Be strong. Cheer up. Pretend you're happy because that will make you happy. Do something even if it kills you, because it won't. Smile. Play. Hide.

Can't someone just knock me unconscious so I don't have to be aware?

You don't have to say anything. I just wanted you to know. Because I would never say this face to face. And I think maybe, being who you are, meaning what you do to me, you should to know. Thay always say in interviews after someone kills themselves; "We should have known." But that's idiotic. No one can know another human for sure. Not in real life. But that scene in FF8 where they think Seifer is dead and they all start to talk well about him and Squall freaks out because he doesn't want anyone to talk about him that way when he's dead... it hit me. So hard it hurt. And this is like that. I want at least someone to know who I was when I'm gone. I don't want people standing around saying shit just because they miss me, because death scares them. I want truth. And truth is dark. But so releasingly uncomplicated. I'm the only one who knows who I am, and I'm the only one who knows the people you are inside my head. All this will be gone without me. And that's why I don't want to die. Because I'm a squirrel; and you're my nuts.

Is there nothing original left in the world? Is there nothing that can touch me at my very core?

And guys, don't think I don't know you're sucking up. 5 votes on We want more Cloud? You're all idiots. But I love you.

Boys

(I just thought it fun to inform you about the picture of Shemhazai: inspiration for necklaces and general pose fetched from official popstar JC Chasez, hair from our own unofficial rockstar Rikard Molander, dress is only to blame on general angel-badtaste, and boots so that I don't have to worry about whether angels have bodyhair.)

Here's the next pic from my scanning-sequence; Akibeel in his workout clothes. I tried coloring it, but gave up. Who wants colors anyways! Black and white says it all.

I just realized this blog has a sadly small amout of boy-talk, disregarding a couple of fictious characters and an angel in disguise, is it really that mr. Jacob is the first boy mentioned? (mr. Jacob being the prettiest codename I've thought up since SunnyDay) Well, he is hard-earned eyecandy. Most people here are either too trashy (longhaired rockers), too fancy (metrosexual) or just not handsome enough for my usual tastes (yes, I'm horribly shallow). Not that the girls hold much better quality, but that I can live with, since it lessens competition, and I'd never dare to make a move on a girl anyway (okay, so I don't dare boys either -_-). Well, there, that's enough boy-talk for the coming six months. Glad to have that done and over with.

Now, if you want to talk Akibeel's workout habits, or Shemhazai's true personality, or Kirya's further development, or Leon's scratchy manly voice, or the fact that Lance Bass from NSYNC does the voiceover for Sephiroth in KH, or Riff's motives in Godchild (omigodomigodomigod), or maybe rummage forth some more pictures of Cloud, or, when I think about it, the fact that Ezequiel is the Master of Clouds so I had to make him cool and handsome, then I've got all the time in the world.

Um... *waves* I'm still alive despite the daring piece of photography in the comments to the Weekend post... just wanted to let everyone know... and... I want to add that... um... if anyone else has anything of the sort... ... *blinks*

I think I just figured it out. Cloud, I mean. To make it make sense to those of you who wouldn't if I told it as it is (= the rest of the world) I'll make a nice, religiously incorrect analog. Cloud is simply the skin that my person angel took on to be able to reach me, since I would never have paid him attention if he'd said he's an angel.

When I told him I'd figured him out, he just smiled a little.