Here and there and now and then

If time and space are all relative, only existing when compared to the things around them, then here isn't so very different from there, on the scale of planets and stars, and now isn't that different from then. Something that is relative, could just as well be zero as it could be one, depending on what it's relative to.

So those you've loved and lost, in a sense, you're with them (or they're with you, it doesn't really matter).

The world telling us what religion has tried to make us believe for as long as we've existed. For as long as we need to believe it, we will, with or without a cross and a book of outdated rules.

Nothing makes me more religious than feeling like a part of the world.

And for someone like me who can't quite seem to adapt to arbitrary rules, like when to sleep or how to love, it's sometimes a great comfort, that relatively, it really, really doesn't matter.

Faith in Man

Almost every time we go anywhere we drive by a church that has a sign that says "It is better to trust in God than put your confidence in men" and it offends me. It provokes me. I want to run in there and yell "You put your confidence in men every time you go on an airplane or use tap water! You're insulting thousands of years of brilliant human engineering, it's not God lifting the airplane or cleaning your drinking water it's the hard work, blood and tears of generations of amazing people!"

If there's anything you *should* do it's put your confidence in humans. We've gotten where we are together, and that's what we should celebrate and be proud of and use as inspiration for our future.

An Unshakable Faith

For a long time I felt guilty about my faith shaking about total atheism, because it wasn't necessarily true; I still believed in *something* that I couldn't put words on but that I had a growing suspicion wasn't very fitting of an atheist. I adopted the Lifestream analogy as a way to ground my feelings, and I put up a "everyone has the right to believe what they want"-facade. Then I drifted on in slight discomfort, settling into a familiar tune of suspected guilt, and tried to leave the subject alone.

Religion came up again recently in my surroundings, and the conversations have made me realize that I no longer have a problem with it, personally. It's like the floating feeling has solidified into an unshakable truth about the divine in science and the science in the divine. I can go to church, because churches are like museums or giant monuments of human passion, no matter if that passion brought love or destruction. I can openly say I don't believe in god, because I know what I believe in instead; a pattern, a singular shape of the universe like a single line of the most perfect, beautiful code that could ever be produced. And the discomfort and guilt has more than gone away, it has turned into awe and appreciation and happiness for the amazing perfection that is the world.

I still have questions though. The most pressing question is this: is it right to condone religion? Is it right to not question religion where one finds it, but give it free way? Considering the good and bad religion accomplishes, it's hard to figure out if they balance out. How long and difficult would the road be before we've integrated the good of religion into other parts of our society, and would it be worth it? Are we ready for it?

Like the cells that make up our bodies, every human is now part of the neural (or you could call it cybernetic) network that is humanity (or in extension the creature that is the planet Earth, as of now). It would be foolish of me to say that not every single cell is needed, or that not every single decision is critical. Cancer starts with a single cell. It is also pretentious of me to say that the survival or condition of the human race as a whole is any more worth than a single cell in a single human's body, since our solar system could very well be the single cell in some other kind of life, but as a human, I would want to keep humanity around, for now (although that is not true all days).

What I'm trying to say is, I think the decisions we make concerning the inevitable adaptation of old religions that is coming might be one of those do or dies of our race, where the mistakes of a single cell and the ignorance of the cells surrounding it could spell a slow doom for our creature. But the implication paralyzes me. Personally I will never believe in God, and I will never join organized religion for any other reason than political ones, but my attitude towards others is also a part of this process. No one, nowhere, at any time, is excluded from the process, no matter how small their part is. So what is it? What does the pattern say? Am I to speak, or remain silent? Am I to cross the bridge and join in on shouting at people to come over, or sit down and wait for others to join me?

Who are we, those of us who are stuck between the conventions of religion vs science? Not confessing to religion, neither atheists. There's no word for us yet, but there will be I'm sure, because the symbolic answer is: We're evolution. We're synthesis. We're the future.

Who do you think you are?

I realized something while I wrote that comment on the post below.

"Who do you think you are?" that voice in my head said. "Do you really think you can come to a better answer, that you can come closer to god, than a hundred generations of millions of Christians or Muslims or whatever. Scholars and priests, kings and peasants. Who do you think you are to believe yourself above them?"

I don't know. I've never thought about it that way, and now that I did, it feels a little embarrassing. Who do I think I am? Isn't it true, aren't I trying to be better than every thinking human before me and around me? It makes my humble Swedish upbringing cringe where it's stored in the basic structures of my brain, but the truth, while difficult to admit, is simple. Yes. I do think I can. My world revolves around me. I am my own god, and my world will live and die with me. I do believe to the fullest of my heart that I have as much ability and right to claim I know my god, to claim my own path to faith, as any man or woman who as ever walked on Earth and any that will ever live.

And in the same way, I also believe it is the right and duty of every human to claim their own path to faith, to belief and religion. Which is why, I realize, organized religion infuriates me. And in the same way, the mindlessness with which people treat other's belief infuriates me to the same degree. Of course I don't want to sing psalms in church, that would be lying. Lying at another's place of worship. If there was a corresponding way to desecrate my own faith, I would want to kill the one who did. Someone said "religion lies in the hearts of men", if I don't remember incorrectly. And that is exactly it. Tradition and ceremony might serve other purposes, but faith, actual faith, has it's own shelf. And it is holy, too holy for organizations and institutions.

Baptism

I seem to be writing essays here lately...

Being in churches used to be like visiting other people's homes. It's not your stuff, you're not sure what is expected of you, but you want to show some kind of respect even if the decorations are terrible. It still is when I'm in churches alone, they are for example often great works of architecture and symbols of people's beliefs, along with many other things. Just like it can be fun and relaxing to hang out in other people's homes even if the decorations are terrible. Being in a church when some kind of ceremony - wedding, baptism, funeral - is going on used to be like seeing the family that owns the home interact with it, like having a ritual of who sits where at the dinner table or habits in terms of who uses the shower when. Confusing, sometimes frustrating, a little awkward at times, but in general just another part of life.
It seems with me growing into my own faith, however, the feeling has changed. Being in a church now, listening to the confession or to people singing psalms or praying, gives me an uneasy feeling. The only simile I can think of is if there's someone you really like, love even, but you're not in an outspoken relationship. However anytime you're out or talking to a really handsome person, it feels like you're cheating, even if you're not doing anything incriminating, and even if you did you wouldn't actually be cheating. I've subconsciously put down ground rules for the relationship already; such as don't listen to the heretic blabbering of a smiling dude in white clothes.
And it made me uneasy to see this child being baptized into this church, this belief. Probably like any religious people watching other religions do their thing. I felt like yelling "Hey, little one, they're lying to you, it's all bs! Don't let them do this to you!" but that wouldn't really be respectful. I guess I understand the ones who want to "save my immortal soul" a bit better. Although the thought is a little frightening.

Anyway, little one, I wish you great happiness and success in life. And I know you'll probably listen to the lies, and one day baptize your own children in the same church. If you do, I hope you'll remain blissfully unaware. If you don't, I hope you make a better path on your own. That's the best blessing I can put together right now, and I think it's a pretty damned good one.

Religion and Marriage, horse and carriage?

Peter Jöback and Oscar married this midsummer. I randomly stumbled across the clip from Expressen on YouTube. Since it's YouTube there's the usual homophobia all over, so the comments are just a sad testament to... wait, why the hell are you there watching if gays are so disturbing? I mean, it's YouTube, you had to actively look it up to see it. Now that's disturbing... Anyway, what was funny, was that the ad that came up next to it was one from zoosk.com, a dating site for homosexuals, and right below it in the Recommended Videos was one called Christian Videos Online. Whut?

Christian Videos Online brings me to the WLC, World's Last Chance, homepage.

"WLC strives to follow all Biblical truth. The WLC team has made the shocking discovery from the Bible that the seventh-day Sabbath cannot be found except on the Creator's calendar.

In His calendar, the weekly Sabbath always falls on the 8th, 15th, 22nd, and 29th of each month.

Since the mark of the beast is received if one does not worship the Creator on His true Sabbath day, and because WLC infinitely cares about our salvation and yours, WLC is offering US$1,000,000 (one million) to anyone who can convincingly demonstrate from the Scriptures that the true seventh-day Sabbath has ever been recorded in the Bible to have fallen on any other dates than those listed above."

At least they're giving away money, not taking it. The one thing I miss out on for having a personal religion rather than a collective-brain-shutdown is the possibility of making grand, insane social schemes like this. I can't exactly go "Woohoo, Lifestream energy! Let's toss 241 apples in the river to show we honor it, because if you write Lifestream in sixteen languages the letters all add up to 241, and apples are, uh, good!" and expect anyone to come along. You should all join my religion because the spiritual losses I make because of this are sure to harm my immortal soul. If such a thing existed.

...

Ah this post is terribly aggressive. "Collective-brain-shutdown" sounds so negative. I should be more politically correct. "A collective agreement to hand over important decisions, personal responsibility and individual thought to an unseen, unknown entity existing only inside the agreement, and claim that a select few within the community selflessly handles these decisions, responsibility and thought for the masses in the name of the entity through different forms of more of less unspecified communication." How's that? Yeah, too long. Collective-brain-shutdown will have to do.

Fanfiction

I just realized the new look makes it kind of look like a fanfiction site...

"He climbed down the cellar stairs and peeked into the darkness. Behind some crates he found the sword, just where his mother's letter had said it would be. It was truly enormous. Impressive, despite the rust and the smell of mold and dust. No normal man would be able to lift it. And these days there was no Mako energy, and the Lifestream had settled back beneath the earth's surface. It all felt like a legend where he stood, the sword so large only half of the blade fit inside the beam of his flashlight.
But if it was a legend, then he was the son of that legend, and with the rising problems he had a legacy to live up to and bring the kind of rescue only legends could produce. Trembling slightly he set the flashlight aside on a crate and gripped the handle of the Buster Sword. This would never work."

Aaanyway. I respect FF7 too much to produce this kind of crap :) I remember I made an attempt long ago, choosing like this to write about their children, because it's damned hard to take someone else's character and try to keep to their personality. But I came to the same conclusion then as I will always adhere to: that FF7 is above all this >.<

So no. This is not a fanfiction site.

I actually take it a step further; I adopt the Lifestream as a model, a representation, of what I actually believe in and present it as my religion. (Yes, I've made FF7 my religion... in a sense.) Thus the Lifestream chronicles is the history of the world, and this blog my perception of it.

This post got a lot longer than I meant... but it was a lot of fun to write :)

Sancrified Ground

I visited the church here a few days ago... or more, it was a while, but I've been thinking to write about it a while, I just forgot, but almost every night I've thought, tomorrow I'll write it down.

It's not about the church per se. Churches are churches, no matter what religion or how big or where in the world. I have one solid idea, or opinion, or thought about churches, so they're all the same in that way. So I don't have a lot to say about the church.

But they have corpses in there. Remains. In sealed coffins on display for so many years. Hundreds of years. It was strange to me, because my faith says that the dead return to the Lifestream and move on, and it was odd, near absurd, to have the bodies of men and women dead hundreds of years ago still here. There was no good or bad to it. Just strangeness. Like watching a man turning himself inside out. Not obscene or facinating or gross. Strange.

And in one of those "rooms", I walked in and around the coffin, and this thought came pounding through in that way I really honestly only read about before. Otherwise I'm all too often aware of how I myself form the thoughts and then present them to myself, but this one was unprovoked. It just came, like someone else speaking. I was wearing my cap, and the thought said, "Take off your hat in the presence of a king!" Exactly those words. In english too.

I debated it for a second or two, because kings are really just men, and if the king cared, so what, and if he actually has some power because he was king, he's still dead, and if he still retains some kind of influence, he probably understands that it's just the modern ways to keep the cap on... and so on. A second or two. And then I took off my cap.

And now when I try to write something that makes sense about it, I keep coming back to; forget it. Thers is no need to explain. And also how representative of my personality the whole thing is.

Art; the extension of Faith

Dance. Like ripples of water through the emotions of the human body. Like expressing the universe with the flickering of a wrist, with the tilt of a shoulder. The language of the body perfected into the language of music, and ultimately, to the beat of a universal heart, the heart of the world.

This is the one thing I cannot express in words. No matter how poetic I try to be, or how accurate, or however well it can have you understand what I mean, this is the one thing I cannot, never, reproduce. Quite litterally. For with my leg I will never dance. And is it the forbidden fruit that sweeps my mind away, or the passion, the immersion, the ability to close your eyes and let your body drift on the ocean of existance or be tossed between the waves of chaos, that makes my eyes tear at the thought alone?

Dance. An embodiment of the concept I call beauty. An expression, an art, but most of all a path to the insides of your soul and the discovery that it is no more separate from the universe than a molecule of air is from the air itself. The world does not matter. Not the one you see or feel through your eyes or your ears or your skin. What matters is the flow, the beat. The beating of the heart of what some would call God, but that I have no word for.

There are no words.

Nature vs Nurture

Woke up in a horrible mood today. Wonder how those things work, those days that you've somehow decided for one emotion from waking up to going to bed, for no apparant reason. It's like laughing to make yourself happy or acting scared to become scared.

There's a manga/anime called Death Note. Awesome. Anyway, in part of it the main character makes sure he loses memory of everything he's done that far in the story, so that he can lie believably and not get caught. But the point of his plan is that he will regain his memory later on. He doesn't know that will happen. He doesn't even know if he'll still want the same things. But he has such faith in himself, he goes through with it.

These two things connect as follows: if you can manipulate so well your own emotions, and yourself, if it is so easy to change yourself, how easy wouldn't it be for others to change you? I wonder all this often, yet at the same time I have the feeling of that it's not true; that you, that I, would still remain no matter what. I believe in DNA, not environment. I believe in self, regardless of circumstances. "I" am as much a fluid concept as it is absolutely set in stone. The world exists to me only because I believe in it. And you can take the world from me, but I will still remain.

My virtue will be Faith.

review

Our teacher in religion, who also is a priest and with a doctorate in teology, said we should see it if we wanted and then we could talk about it in class. We haven't had class yet, so I might bring this up again later, but I wanted to talk about it now anyway. Firstly, something within me didn't like this movie. It wasn't the violence, the religiousness, the Mel Gibson, I can't put my finger on what. But aside from this instinctive reaction, there was a lot to like and hate.

As a means for learning, it's bliming. The character of Satan (played by a woman for all intents and purposes) wanders around in the different scenes, seen by no one but Jesus, eternally present. The part of Christianity that Gibson belongs to believes that, simply put, Jesus was the bait with which Satan was defeated. Satan thought that he was winning, driving people to kill the son of God, but when Jesus was dead Satan realized he had lost, that because Jesus died for the sins of mankind he would never have much power over them again. This is illustrated beautifully in the movie. There is also the theory of the angry god, the god that must take all his rage out on his son to be able to forgive mankind, thus Jesus inhuman suffering. I would assume Gibson believes this also, otherwise how would he justify the sheer amount of violence. Then there is the belief in the strong connection between Jesus and Maria, that the holy mother would have shared some supernatural bond with him, a belief especially nurtured in the Catholic church. The portrayal of Judas is also interesting, with his regret and eventual madness, as opposed to the other theory of Jesus having his betray him to bring about the passion and his release from his human body.

Artistically, it's rather well thought out. The set is beautiful, costumes feel natural. Some things feel exaggerated, such as weather effects and a lot of slow-motion shots. And for some reason I'm bothered by the fact that Jesus is so handsome. It makes me think of animal rights and the fact that some people only think we should save the cute animals and forget the rest. Anyway. The movie begins in the garden where Jesus is betrayed by Judas, where we also see Satan for the first time, and "necessary information" is then given as flashbacks along the way. There is a specifially fantastic sequence when Jesus is standing on the hill where they will nail him to the cross. The screen cuts to when Jesus was having dinner with his apprentices, where a small package is carried to the table, and the cloth wrapping thrown aside to reveal the bread. In the next moment you see the soldiers tear the clothes off Jesus' body.

Some have complained about the fact that they speak Arameic, the language that Jesus was supposed to have spoken. I thought it was a detail that greatly added to the realism, which is needed, since the reasonable part of my mind whines about some things that feel wrong, such as how could Jesus possible carry the damned cross when the other guy who comes in, who hasn't had the skin whipped from his body, can hardly walk with it. Then there is clear antisemitism here and there. Rivalery between Christianity and Judism may be unavoidable, but if Gibson want people to take him seriously, he may need to take them seriously. I doubt Jesus said anything about jews being bad.

As for the violence, I can't help but wonder how possible it is, how much a real human being could take. And also whether it is a part of the legend that Jesus could take much more than anyone else. Wasn't he supposed to be human also? The only part I couldn't bear to watch was when they actually nailed him to the cross. More the sound than the imagery, I imagine.

All in all, worth watching if you're interested in the religious aspects, and I believe more to be seen as symbolic than litteral, even if Gibson probably wouldn't agree.

Bachsalen

It appears that, except for a very regularly updated though not very regular christmas calendar, my friends blogging has ceased in the face of Santa, but I will hang on 'til the bitter end. We had christmas dinner today at school. I hate parties, if I don't know more than three quarters personally and the total sum rests safely below twenty. I made happy face, dressed up reasonably and went anyway, for the sake of social common sense.

On to the more important issue, as have become a habit these latest posts.

Tomorrow at 0700 there's an assembly in the "religious hall" of this school. Remember, there are courses for priest-persons and playing-piano-in-church-persons here, so they have meeting (mass? what's it called?) at 1800 sometimes (maybe it's only sundays? I keep no check on such) and that's what they do in that hall. It's when people are supposed to say goodbye before christmas break. Now, people will believe I don't go because I'm a lazy bastard and it's too early in the morning, but the truth is I feel like I'm disrespecting christianity by going. And screw you (christian or not) who say oh, but church is for anyone, and it's just a tradition anyway and whatever else. Who gives a shit what you think? What I'm talking about is religion, and my religion states that it makes me uncomfortable to hang around places that belong to other people's religion when they're doing religious stuff and I have nothing to do there. I'm talking about that it makes me feel like I'm bothering your God, and screw you really hard if you think you know that better than I do. I can go to a church, look at it like a tourist, watch a wedding or just sit and think, that's one thing. But listening to religious songs and hallelujas, fine, you may think it means nothing, but to me it means that I'm not standing for the belief that I have. It's like talking shit about someone and then when they ask, deny it. Stand for your shit. That's what I'm doing. If God exists and is pissed at me for not being christian, then I'll take my punishment for that. Not running around church being in the way for people who really do believe.

There are so many reasons people totally run me over with a six ton truck when I say stuff like that (remember dogs are stupid, anyone?) but whatever. It's what I believe, thus it's my truth.
So put your christmas meeting somewhere else and I'll be there at 0500 in the morning if you want, but over there, no.

Secret Conviction

I was going to write about leaving for christmas, but then I had the strongest Déjà Vu and will take that as a hint to not. Instead I will write about things people don't tell just anyone and why that may be important.

As may be seen from this blog, I have always been one to openly discuss anything, embarrassing or not. But since I came to this school, i have begun to wonder wheather that is the right thing. Maybe some things are to be kept, only told to the ones you trust. But this is a double edged sword. As follows:

It seemed Jonas (my teacher) liked my christmas compendium, since I was asked to read aloud from it several pieces. In my greedy, selfish folly, though, I was still disappointed with that no one seemed to pay Trosbekännelsen any attention at all, while at the same time I would not be able to explain it if anyone did.

In a similar fashion I disappointed myself in our religion-class. We were supposed to bring something that symbolized "the religion of ourselves", something that meant much to us and stood for our lives in some way. I thought I'd show them my Iceye-symbol (seen as the signature on my banner). But while listening to the others I realized I was doing crime against my own conviction: the most important symbol of my life would easily be Cloud. More than anything else, to me. But this would be close to inexplicable to anyone else unless I write an essay (as proven here, and that only covered the actual facts, not the spiritual, emotional and psychological stuff and what practice it means in real life). Also, I worried that as people don't understand, they condemn, and the picture of me would change in their heads in a direction that would be directly faulty. Thus I proceeded with my Iceye-symbol, while I felt like , I suppose, a Catholic would feel denying God. I know it's silly, it was such a small thing, and I was talking to people I might never see again after next term, and what would it matter what they think of me or what they know? But some things are that way. So important to yourself that the actual, practical effects are meaningless; it is the principle, the gut feeling.

We have secrets that are kept more for our own sake than the effects on the surroundings, and when we one day tell someone special, the secrets will be the measuring stick after which to judge them: how do they treat our most special things, how do they handle that our biggest secret is small and meaningless, how do they carry the trust we put in them? And that is why I have concluded that some things are to kept secret and private, where I previously thought it was pointless.

Screw organized religion

Aside from writing like a smurf on speed and finally doing my Buddhism homework (should have been done two weeks ago =P) I have tried out MechQuest (.com) which was fun as a waste of time for a little while, and talked to Madde on msn until her computer had the heating experience of too much Jocke-bullshit and with a smashing goodbye entered the next gigaplane of existence.


A very good quote from the buddhism papers I have:
If you understand, things are as they are. If you do not understand, things are as they are.

While I think buddhism is okay, it's like this in the end: I do not believe organized religion is the right path. Sure, it sounds great that someone finds the true purpose of life and then passes it on to the rest of us. But doesn't this sound quite reasonable too: that we all discover small parts each, and if we puzzle them together we will get to the truth? The atom bomb would never have been discovered by one single person; it was a collaboration over dozens of years, discoveries built on each other. The ultimate truth would be something like that, I imagine.

I puzzle together my own belief through what feels right in the soul, and while traditions and stuff is nice and a way to bond with people, they are just that: traditions to honor because it gives peace of mind and shows respect towards our fellow humans. Religion, on the other hand, is personal. It shall be practiced alone and in seclusion. That's what I think, anyway.

We have too few traditions in Sweden, also. For a muslim to turn to Mekka, a Japanese to pray in front of the home altar, a catholic to say the evening prayer, it focuses the mind and gives a sense of familiarity in which we can always relax no matter where or what. I think I'm going to construct my own little tradition. I will return on that.