Secret Conviction

I was going to write about leaving for christmas, but then I had the strongest Déjà Vu and will take that as a hint to not. Instead I will write about things people don't tell just anyone and why that may be important.

As may be seen from this blog, I have always been one to openly discuss anything, embarrassing or not. But since I came to this school, i have begun to wonder wheather that is the right thing. Maybe some things are to be kept, only told to the ones you trust. But this is a double edged sword. As follows:

It seemed Jonas (my teacher) liked my christmas compendium, since I was asked to read aloud from it several pieces. In my greedy, selfish folly, though, I was still disappointed with that no one seemed to pay Trosbekännelsen any attention at all, while at the same time I would not be able to explain it if anyone did.

In a similar fashion I disappointed myself in our religion-class. We were supposed to bring something that symbolized "the religion of ourselves", something that meant much to us and stood for our lives in some way. I thought I'd show them my Iceye-symbol (seen as the signature on my banner). But while listening to the others I realized I was doing crime against my own conviction: the most important symbol of my life would easily be Cloud. More than anything else, to me. But this would be close to inexplicable to anyone else unless I write an essay (as proven here, and that only covered the actual facts, not the spiritual, emotional and psychological stuff and what practice it means in real life). Also, I worried that as people don't understand, they condemn, and the picture of me would change in their heads in a direction that would be directly faulty. Thus I proceeded with my Iceye-symbol, while I felt like , I suppose, a Catholic would feel denying God. I know it's silly, it was such a small thing, and I was talking to people I might never see again after next term, and what would it matter what they think of me or what they know? But some things are that way. So important to yourself that the actual, practical effects are meaningless; it is the principle, the gut feeling.

We have secrets that are kept more for our own sake than the effects on the surroundings, and when we one day tell someone special, the secrets will be the measuring stick after which to judge them: how do they treat our most special things, how do they handle that our biggest secret is small and meaningless, how do they carry the trust we put in them? And that is why I have concluded that some things are to kept secret and private, where I previously thought it was pointless.