Monday, February 11, 2008


Speaking of stupid fascinating impulses, I just had the strongest one to seduce my teacher. If God had given me a little more shrewdness, the Devil would've had a lot more fun.

On a different, yet the same, note:
It's a lot easier to do something for someone else than for yourself, at least if it's something you don't want to do. I thought about my fear of failing at school (caused, make no mistake, by my own character in combination with the unforgiving IB) and of how I could be made to make an effort - how to motivate me so to speak. I think the most important is a teacher I personally respect, not just professionally, but also like as a person. This attraction I've told you about before, this obsession with people and beauty (not just conventional beauty; I use the word in lack of others to point to that specific something some people have) may play a large role here. But once again, my observations about how to create a pefrect surrounding for my living and learning is thwarted by reality; I have no control over what teacher I get. Just like I'll never get that house in Gibraltar with all of my friends inside.

Hey, I suddenly remember, the only teacher I really respected in primary school was this young woman with curly brown hair who I was totally crushing on and who played football on weekends. Can't remember her name, but I remember her. I loved her voice.

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