I have too many thoughts in my head right now.
I finished "Flyga Drake" today by Khaled Hosseini (I don't know what it's called in English). Horrible book to read, I was on the verge of crying 75% of the time and two times I seriously considered putting it down and never picking it up again because it hurt too much. But it opened my eyes a lot to the complexity of the conflict in Afghanistan and to my own prejudices, besides being a great book about being a human, about loving, losing and letting down. (It's also made into a movie now, but I seriously doubt it could carry through into a movie very well. People say it's good but very, very different from the book.) It's not political, which I appreciate. Only human, and very emotional. I got a headache every time I read in it. But it was probably worth it, though the end wasn't as well written as the beginning and mid-section.
I have also been to a small introduction to the education I'm applying for this fall. It really sounds like the perfect "me". They said I needed: math (check), english (check), computer familiarity (check), 3D thinking (check), creativity (check), and interest in technology and machinery (check, though no schooling). I'll be alternatively sitting and standing, very good for my leg. I'll learn business planning and presentations, sorely needed. Teaching takes place about three days a week in a classroom and the rest homework or over the internet. Male-dominated workplace. The teacher we met seemed like the perfect kind of man; confident, straight-forward, kind.
It's too good. I'm scared out of my freaking mind. Especially of getting my hopes up. Maybe also of settling in too well here. Do I want to live the rest of my life around here? I used to not understand people who would. But I'm growing into it. This is my home. No matter what I think of it, it's difficult for me to leave it.
Yeah. Too many thoughts. Reading the book made all these old thoughts wake up. I used to want to become a psychiatrist. Don't think I could manage it, neither the long time of school or the mental pressure. But that has always been the thing closest to my mind in the subject of "making the world a better place". Taking care of orphans or abused homeless animals.
I didn't want to have children because I was afraid I wouldn't like the kid. But maybe that's part of it. How could I ever know whether I would like him/her or whether I would make a good parent? How does anyone know? Maybe I want a child after all. In any case, passing on my genes might make the world a slightly better place. Yes, I am that full of myself.
3 weeks ago