Never really understood Christmas. Sure, back in the day I bet it was nice, getting gifts like that. But in this modern day when your parents can't even read the words on your wishing list and your grandparents can only dream about understanding your plzkthxbye language, and god forbid that either of them have any idea of how to get hold of it, and if they find it they pay thrice the value because they don't know what they're doing, it's hardly the same anymore. I can't exactly write "new graphics card" on my wishlist, they would have no idea what to do with that. And what else do I wish for? Well, I don't need clothes, furniture, movies, music or tickets to wherever. I'd love to have a cat, but I'm not allowed here, I'd want a teleporter, but they don't exist, I'd like to know what path to take next year, but it's hard to wrap the future in gift wrappings and little stickers.
That said, after having the gifts ready and christmas calendar faily worked out, when to meet who, what to eat where, I'm looking forward to it. Because I'm so conditioned for it, with all memories of the shiny new toys of my childhood? I'm also afraid like hell that dad won't like my gift, that people will start nagging each other, that I won't have anything to say, that grandma will start crying about how she wants to die, that brother will show the same heartbreakingly disinterest in any of the old folks like always, and I know most of this will happen.
Is that christmas? Decorating, baking, planning, buying gifts, talking about fun parties here and there, wishing people merry christmas, when we all know we're going home to the same dark winter mess as every other day? Is Christmas just an excuse to pretend in front of each other that we're not, so that when everybody pretends, we can all fool each other to be happy? And then to crash when reality hits us?
Maybe it's time to make new traditions, especially for the ones of us who don't believe in God. Like how I'm going to spend New Year's with friends; no strings attached, just a bunch of people who really like each other. That makes me happy.
3 weeks ago