Monday, December 17, 2007

Secret Conviction

I was going to write about leaving for christmas, but then I had the strongest Déjà Vu and will take that as a hint to not. Instead I will write about things people don't tell just anyone and why that may be important.

As may be seen from this blog, I have always been one to openly discuss anything, embarrassing or not. But since I came to this school, i have begun to wonder wheather that is the right thing. Maybe some things are to be kept, only told to the ones you trust. But this is a double edged sword. As follows:

It seemed Jonas (my teacher) liked my christmas compendium, since I was asked to read aloud from it several pieces. In my greedy, selfish folly, though, I was still disappointed with that no one seemed to pay Trosbekännelsen any attention at all, while at the same time I would not be able to explain it if anyone did.

In a similar fashion I disappointed myself in our religion-class. We were supposed to bring something that symbolized "the religion of ourselves", something that meant much to us and stood for our lives in some way. I thought I'd show them my Iceye-symbol (seen as the signature on my banner). But while listening to the others I realized I was doing crime against my own conviction: the most important symbol of my life would easily be Cloud. More than anything else, to me. But this would be close to inexplicable to anyone else unless I write an essay (as proven here, and that only covered the actual facts, not the spiritual, emotional and psychological stuff and what practice it means in real life). Also, I worried that as people don't understand, they condemn, and the picture of me would change in their heads in a direction that would be directly faulty. Thus I proceeded with my Iceye-symbol, while I felt like , I suppose, a Catholic would feel denying God. I know it's silly, it was such a small thing, and I was talking to people I might never see again after next term, and what would it matter what they think of me or what they know? But some things are that way. So important to yourself that the actual, practical effects are meaningless; it is the principle, the gut feeling.

We have secrets that are kept more for our own sake than the effects on the surroundings, and when we one day tell someone special, the secrets will be the measuring stick after which to judge them: how do they treat our most special things, how do they handle that our biggest secret is small and meaningless, how do they carry the trust we put in them? And that is why I have concluded that some things are to kept secret and private, where I previously thought it was pointless.


phaze said...

All of us in the class loves your writing, no doubt about that.
But it was a big mistake of Jonas to let only you talk about the compendium today. It would have been better if he let you read it on Thursday, instead of letting us listen to Katarinas book review. And since it is Monday, and even the first lesson for alot of us, and no Coffe until later on... Well it's easy to become like a zombie in the class room. But do not worry, I know that people appriciate your writing. And that they know that you are talented in what you do.

And on to your religion class, you should just have told everone about Cloud. (As a Final Fantasy fan he will always be #1 in my eyes, those adventures will never be forgotten.)
And if someone would object, well screw them, it was not about them, it was about you. Don't be afraid to be honest just because someone might get a odd oppinion about you. (Hell, whats wrong with odd?)

Keep on blogging. Reading it, loving it ^^

Iceye said...

Heh, thanks ^^ Good to know I have some loyal fans to fall back on!

Anonymous said...

What you should tell and what you should not... There are things I am glad I never told that certain guy. There are things I have told everyone that I should probably have kept to myself. But keeping secrets is alot of work. I tell people more than most want to hear, that I still have friends are a measure of the high quality of those friends. I don't want or intend to keep more things secret. /David

Rik said...

I must say your reasoning confuses me a bit here. I mean, I see your point but I can't say it applies to me personally, which is interesting since it indicates you have a more firm faith than myself - and I consider myself Christian.

What I mean to say is that I see religion as a more or less collective thing, that needs to be open. I mean, I have a hard time pinning down the meaning of *me*, so it seems illogical that I would be able to pin down what God is. Hence it is entirely possible that someone else might convince me, and I want to leave that door open.

I don't mean to sound as though I lack integrity, but what I'm saying is that I couldn't possibly keep a personal, private religion because I have been wrong before, and I don't trust myself enough to believe my own opinion is right.

Bah. This sounded better in my head.

Loverboy said...

Once I considered complete honesty a virtue. But then I noticed that honesty has no depth like silence. In order to intrigue and exite the minds of our peers we can not tell them everything. A world were all is true is always less than a world were fantasy can roam.

Anonymous said...

Loverboy: Even when you are true all the time there are still more that we don't know than that we know. The world is easily complex enough to intrigue and excite the mind after we have shared the truths we have. There is allways more. There is allways room for imagination. There can be truth in imagination. Imagination can be a way to categorize and understand the truth. To say the world becomes less if you allways look for truth is not just plain wrong, it's dangerous to avoid truth like that. At the end of the day everyone needs to communicate and to communicate you need a common ground. And in the end the value of that communication stands and falls with its level of truth... Communication needs truth to work.