Tuesday, December 4, 2007

See Me

I do want to be seen. Of course I do. I blog because I want to keep contact with my friends, because I want a diary I keep somewhat true to, but also - to exist. I am on the internet, therefore I am. I don't like making noise when it's silent around me, so I only talk on the phone because there's no other good option. I can't handle compliments. I only look people in the eye when I decide I have to to come across as natural and confident. Thus this, writing, words, pictures, the distance between me and my work is crucial.

There is a difference between self-confidence and self-worth. I am fairly confident in that I draw okay, and I write well. I can go do embarrassing errands here and there, I can speak my opinion, I can play the game. But I don't ever expect anyone to have any interest in me, as such, only my work, my thoughts. I am the factory, my work is the product, and consumers are only interested in products, see?

But, is this something I have to change? I'm not sure. I was browsing through DeviantArt and Tomgeeks.com, and I was thinking, I should make a comic. Why? Because poems and pictures are nice, but novels and comics last in peoples' minds. That's why novels are my main aim; because you get to infect people for a longer time, feed off their interest and capture their hearts for hours and days rather than minutes and seconds. You get longer time to affect them, thus better chance to affect them more. But there is no way I have time to go to school, read, do homework, write, draw, do comics, hang out with friends, keep contact with old friends, play videogames, play computer games, stay updated on everything, keep my family happy, visist my grandparents, shop, eat and sleep. I would need three separate lifetimes for that to happen. So I have to make choices. I have to decide the course of my life. And I've been pushing it forward for weeks and months and years, because it's probably the most important choice of my life.

I refuse to be the geek girl in a corner reading and adoring other people's work, gossiping about the last X-Men movie. I want to be in that shit, I want to be a part of the process, I want to change the world. But to do that, I have to lose half of myself first. Which half?


Nightflyer said...

Det är lite det jag har gjort. Valt bort en stor del av mig för att kunna rikta in mig på det som jag verkligen vill göra av mig själv i framtiden. Men det var inget svårt beslut för mig.

Håll i den kreativa delen vilket som. Utan den kommer man inte lika långt.

Rik said...

This is exactly the sort of situation where I would advise you to try to let go and see where events take you. But I know that's not your style, you like making decisions instead of just seeing events unfolding - so I'll advice you to, instead, know yourself.

It's a simple advice, and very ambiguous, but it's hard to choose away parts if one isn't entirely aware of them. And looking at oneself is hard - you have to look at your reflections, wherever they may appear - mirrors, art, or people.

I hope that made sense.

Sara said...

Yes it is a hard choice indeed. And unfortunately only you can make it. I don't think I have anything thoughtful to tell you.